In memories of Spring

Spring is not a miracle; it is a certainty. It arrives because life moves in cycles. Because endings are never absolute. 

No hardship is final, no darkness permanent. What feels like an endless winter is only a passage, and growth is already on its way. Even when the world is bare, and breath feels heavy, the earth is preparing to bloom again.

Echo Rooms

Sometimes love walks into a room

and hears an echo that isn’t its own.

It says good morning,

But what you hear is

Don’t leave me.

Every silence becomes a test,

Every pause is a prophecy.

You scroll through messages,

Measuring your worth

By the timing of a reply.

You smile,

But your body doesn’t believe you.

It remembers nights of doors slammed,

Voices that cut,

Hands that withheld.

It whispers, 'Be ready to run.'

So you love from the edge of the doorway—

Half in, half gone,

A hand always on the handle.

Friendships feel safer,

But even there,

You count the times you reached out first.

You wonder if they’d notice

The day you stopped trying.

Unhealed pain builds cities inside you,

Each street named after someone

Who promised to stay.

You keep walking them

Searching for closure

Like a child looking for a home

That no longer exists.

But someday,

A quiet hand will rest on your shoulder

And not demand anything.

It will say,

You can stop running now.

And your body will believe it.

The echoes will fade,

One heartbeat at a time.

Breaking point

A family tragedy
When I was about 11 years old, a suicide in the family left us in shock. I saw my mother break down and cry like I had never seen before. My father was fighting hard to hide his tears as he walked out of the house to arrange to get possession of the ‘body’ of the deceased for the family to pay respects and to mourn. Later, I heard that he had carried the head of the corpse on his lap during the 1.5 hours drive back home.

I had met the person some days earlier. He had been nice and had greeted me with a hello I will never forget. It was tragic, of course. Everyone felt guilty for not having seen it coming. Then came the rage- blaming him for being so selfish, for leaving behind two kids who were younger than me, for abandoning the poor patients he had been treating gratis. I am sure that one thing was common for everyone- they kept thinking what they could have done differently to have saved him from hanging himself on a cold January morning.

However, the tragedy brought the family together. We didn’t take each other for granted anymore. For a while, at least. But I am not sure if anyone could have stopped what had transpired. Nobody knows for sure the threshold where an otherwise healthy person just snaps and decides to give up on the world.

Usual reasons
I suspect that it is usually from a sense of deep personal or professional failure that drives people to the edge. A very promising student was found cheating in his exams and was suspended to take his boards for two years. I heard that he later tried to consume phenyl to end his life. Though he survived the attempt, I was left wondering if anything I could say that time would change his grim view of life. He’d have to fight his own battle and come out strong, which I am happy to say he did. We lost touch for a few years, but when we connected again- my respect for him had not diminished in any way as a batch mate. 

Loneliness is another factor that often drives someone into taking extreme measures. Having lived through days when I had to wake up to the same four walls every day with no idea of what the future might hold, I know it can be a very debilitating and emotionally exhausting. Not sensing a purpose of life, facing a terminal/incurable disease or an unfaithful spouse can make Pagliacci cry. 

A few things that worked for me
I have always believed that it is better to hurt back than to end your life for being emotionally bruised. Rage is better than self-loathing. But hatred is a heavy burden to carry. It wears you down and makes you unhappy.

I have found a very simple solution for self-preservation. If someone makes me unhappy more than I care to admit, I give a little space for that person to realize what they have done wrong. The friend who takes a refusal too personally or the relative who never thought you would amount to anything- unkind people will always inhabit the world. More than anything, it is their unhappiness that makes them so. The wise thing to do would be to move on. Honestly, no one can not fix everything and everyone. And if you try to, when would you have the time to create happiness for yourself and others?

When I felt that I was not finding value in my work, I started volunteering. There are billions of people in this world. It is enough to make just one good friend. It helps if you have several. If not a friend, at least, someone you can talk to. Even charmers can be lonely because they never have an authentic dialog. Their objective is to seduce you with their words, not have an honest conversation. 

The least we can do is be honest with ourselves. If we know what we truly seek, we can focus our energy in pursuing that goal. Keeping busy helps. I find myself too exhausted to mull over negative things when I am chasing a personal deadline. As kids, we were often advised to have several hobbies. I write a lot when I am unhappy. It is a way of expressing my frustration. I try to paint. I like to experiment in my kitchen. I try not to care what opinion others have of my creation because it is something I do for myself: fill my time with the therapeutic ritual of making cursive notes on paper, brushstrokes on canvas, chopping vegetables.

Sharing our woes with the world also makes us realize that we are not alone. PostSecret gave me more anonymous friends than I can count. Telling my tale with their words, healing my wounds with their accord. Though I don’t visit it as often anymore, I’d advise anyone having the blues to check the page out.

Lastly, be kind to yourself. You have not been defeated until you have given up on life. At times, I felt the darkness close in on me. Hopelessness would engulf me like a monstrous cloud, dampening my spirits. Then I sought for light within. I played a game with myself –making a list of places I want to visit; things I want to do before I die. Sometimes, I even imagined I was far, far away from my troubles- in a world of relatively more happiness. (I am a realist- perfect happiness doesn’t exist.) I visualized a picture of my happy elements. When I was single, I imagined a man who’d value me for the person I was and would love me like I were a princess who deserved the best. And I did find that guy. Rather he found me.  I think I dreamed him into life.

Also, it is not essential to share your life with someone. A spouse or a good friend is just someone you can count on. But if you are not happy with yourself, you can never give happiness to others. And then you’d have nothing even if you had it all. Don’t let yourself become that bitter person who finds fault with everyone. Try to focus on the positive. After all, we are not perfect ourselves.


*
Recommended further reading: Why complaining is killing you

I believe in you

This is a cup my mom got me in 2006. It was a time when I needed motivation the most. Even now, when I am down, I take it out of the cupboard and drink something in it. Even if it is plain water. Works like magic.

How to make the best use of criticism

I was reading this article by Vinod Khosla on TechCrunch, where he decouples the need to be a jerk to become a successful entrepreneur. But he asks the readers to be 'objective, intellectually honest leaders' and says,'I prefer brutal honesty to hypocritical politeness.'

A lot of us believe that we prefer so too in our dealings with others, but find it rather difficult to accept when criticism about us or our work is not sugar-coated or served with other random praises. I, for one, believe in giving my best to the task at hand- often pushing myself to do some extra bit so that no one can find fault with the completed task. For many years, it worked for me- my parents, immediate family, peers, teachers, my superiors - all seemed happy. If there ever was a rare occasion where I felt that I did not do as well as I should have, I tried to compensate by outperforming in others.

But life has reached a different phase now- it is not about just one job or one relation. And I have realized that I have to open my perceptions to objective assessment. Not denigrating or belittling my efforts, but genuine advice that shows me ways to improve my undertaking. It might not be possible for me to cover all bases all the time. People have different set of values and experiences, and they will judge based on the extent of their intellectual facilities. Some may not be able to process the information completely and beyond the scope of their accommodation or acquaintance, but be eager to make recommendations nevertheless. However, it is good to know how things look from a different perspective. Now, you might or might not agree with their opinion, but there is seldom the need to wage a war over it.

Ad lucem

If people suffer, it is mostly because they have made some wrong decisions, or they just couldn't be resolute enough to make any decisions at all. I have great respect for free will. It never fails. It accomplishes the most amazing things.

We all go through some phase of darkness in our lives. The worst thing we can do then is clam up. At times of distress, we should reach out to others. NEVER force yourself to loneliness, unless you are preparing for a very tough competitive exam or you have a deadline for a book writing project.

Empathy for others is important for your overall well-being too. If we close ourselves from others, we lose a lot more than we can perceive immediately. But it is equally important to have the right people in our lives. People who are uninspiring, demoralizing, continually depressing and sans any hope for the future will grab you by the feet and try to drag you down to the dungeons of hopelessness with them. People who are positive, cheerful, know how to greet with a smile and can take control of their negative emotions have a certain buoyancy about them that no bad day can weigh down.

We all have our journeys ahead, wars to fight, mountains to climb- or whatever imagery we prefer to refer to our hurdles in life. My point is- keep your environment clean, happy, conducive to creation; be resolute and let no one say that you can not.

Hierarchy of Needs

In his paper, 'A Theory of Human Motivation.' (originally published in Psychological Review, 1943) A. H. Maslow says that, 'Man is a perpetually wanting animal.' and adds that '..no need or drive can be treated as if it were isolated or discrete; every drive is related to the state of satisfaction or dissatisfaction of other drives.'

It is interesting to note that he studied exemplary people such as Albert Einstein, Jane Addams, Eleanor Roosevelt, and Frederick Douglass rather than mentally ill or neurotic people, writing that "the study of crippled, stunted, immature, and unhealthy specimens can yield only a cripple psychology and a cripple philosophy." (Source: Wikipedia)

Maslow's theory, also known as the, 'Hierarchy of needs' describes at least five sets of goals, which we may call basic needs. These are briefly: physiological, safety, love, esteem, and self-actualization.
(Source :Wikipedia)

"These basic goals are related to each other, being arranged in a hierarchy of prepotency. This means that the most prepotent goal will monopolize consciousness and will tend of itself to organize the recruitment of the various capacities of the organism. The less prepotent needs are minimized, even forgotten or denied. But when a need is fairly well satisfied, the next prepotent ('higher') need emerges, in turn to dominate the conscious life and to serve as the center of organization of behavior, since gratified needs are not active motivators. "

So, when you are at the cross roads of life and wondering - 'Why does the address, which once meant a hallowed precinct to me, is just another milestone in my life now?' -you probably are waiting to rise to the next higher datum plane of existence. Find it and be it.