Emotional Hara-kiri

First, a little rambling about my own life. I had my mid-semester last week and that kept me fairly busy. We have our Spring break this week, but I have continued to update my task-list. Reading WSJ everyday tops the lineup, as usual. There are several other things I need to take care of, but let me spare you the pain of having to delve into the many woes and ecstasies of a Graduate student, and share with you the sense of déjà vu I experienced as a passive observer.

Last Sunday, I had dozed off in the afternoon still holding my Economics textbook in my hand, when I woke up suddenly with my room mate's cell phone's incessant ringing. She picked up and said "Hell...o" drowsily. Apparently, she too had fallen asleep while studying for the exams.

I knew instinctively who had called and what it was all about. It was a friend of hers I had met some days ago. Mentioning the names or describing the situation is superfluous here and it should more than suffice to say that she had a break up recently.

Heart-aches. How many of us are really fortunate or wise enough not to let those happen to us? And how many of us can really own up to the fact that we had said "forever" a little too soon? For most people, it is easier to admit that they are in a wrong job than it is to admit that they are in a wrong relation. Why do we shy away from the fact that we have been mistaken?

In Economics, there is a term 'sunken cost' - a cost that has already been paid and cannot be recovered; the failure to ignore which causes people to make irrational decisions. Is it then the sunken cost, the time and emotion we have invested in a certain relation, that manacles us from letting go? Even when we know it is time to?

I am not advocating aggressive egocentrism where you tend to believe that you are the center of the universe and the sun goes around to please your senses and bow to your existence. But I think it is important to have a nominal sense of dignity. You should know when the other person is treating you like a piece of shit (Excuse my French) and have the courage to admit it to yourself.

On occasions such as these, thinking is a waste of time. Excessive contemplation does nothing to protect your self-esteem. On the contrary, it spirals you down to the dungeons of depression. You can't always know why the other person is behaving so strangely. (lack of more socially acceptable word) You might, at the most, ask for a rational explanation. If he or she is verbally challenged and has an emotional quotient in negative integers, then he/she might not oblige. But then why should you care for someone who doesn't give a twopence worth damn to your feelings?

I agree that it is very difficult to let go. And more often than not, it is owing to the silly superstition that you secretly nurture: you will never find someone better/ bigger/richer.. whatever. Nonsense! Nothing is sillier than having self-imposed limitations. Not only your deserve a better companion but you deserve a better 'you' too. Why exist as an emotional wreck? Why live to die every day?

It's time to rediscover yourself after a break-up. More so, if the fault lies in you. Life is too short for happiness and love. No point wasting it being sad about the indifference served to you by someone. And now, I will say the much clichéd one-liner: What you seek might be just around the corner. Just give yourself a chance to live a better life. Stop the emotional hara-kiri. Trust me, life gives you what you want from it.



The Broken Heart Syndrome is a real clinical condition, also known as stress cardiomyopathy, stress-induced cardiomyopathy or apical ballooning syndrome.

First described by Japanese doctors in 1991, the condition was originally called takotsubo cardiomyopathy. Takotsubo is a type of pot used by Japanese fishermen to capture octopuses. When doctors take images of a person who’s experiencing broken heart syndrome, part of his or her heart resembles the pot, and hence the name.

There is a sudden temporary weakening of the myocardium (the muscle of the heart). Because this weakening can be triggered by emotional stress, such as the death of a loved one, the condition is also known as broken heart syndrome.

Girls' Night Out

I had gone to Medford to visit a friend last Saturday. How I know her is easy to explain but difficult to comprehend.

My first time at Davis Square and I immediately liked the young, restless crowd of students at the park in front of Somerville Theater who had their conversations richly punctuated with words like "fucking", "shit" etc that made English sound almost like an alien language. Reminded me of my undergrad days where shouting profanities in the street was considered cool. SS suggested that we go to J.P.Licks and have Kahlua. Having an ice cream on a cold winter evening is also my idea of having fun. She showed me a newspaper and asked if I can find a recurring theme. I observed : 'It seems to be for transgenders.' and added that Massachusetts was the first US state to legalize marriage of same-sex couples.

We aborted the idea to get into a pub because neither of us was carrying a passport or proof of age. We took a bus to Arlington Street and then walked to Sharon Street where she lives. I got introduced to her roommate SG2 who is pursuing her MS in Occupational Therapy and had an interesting conversation about Dyslexia, Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Autism and other spectrum disorders. I tried to explain what Strategic Consulting means and sang a song about MBTI profiles and Jungian philosophy.

It was dancing to loud peppy numbers like hostel days again. And someone else cooking for me. Which felt good for a change, of course. We played 'Truth or dare?' , an old favorite till around 2:30 in the night and retired to bed promising that the one who woke up earliest would rouse the others. It was 11:49 AM by my watch when I opened my eyelids dreamily on Sunday morning.

SS showed me the snaps of her ex boyfriend who was my classmate in middle school. I hadn't seen him since a long time. Incidentally, he called up the same evening and I got to talk. It was awkward. I knew what had transpired between them, partially from a friend and now I didn't know whether to completely avoid it or say something. Personally, I don't like people intruding into my private affairs and I'd hate myself if I have to do it some time. But when I saw her face lit up when he had called and the fondness with which she was showing his pictures to me, I wished to say : 'You guys look great together' but I bit my lip and kept quiet. I hope that they get to be together again but I don't really know what is the best thing to ask for. She reminded me of who I was, about an year and a half ago. Lost, wanting a way with life, and very much in love with memories. I got over it. And somehow she assumed that I did.

I was reading 'Interpreter of Maladies', the Pulitzer winning short stories' collection of the then débutante Jhumpa Lahiri. Her language is not artful but she has a knack of scribbling down minute details which gives life to the pages. In "A Temporary Matter' for instance, she writes: Shukumar gathered onion skins in his hands and let them drop into the garbage pail, on top of the ribbons of fat he'd trimmed from the lamb.

I appreciate lucidity of expression even if it is an intense book. But profundity coupled with simplicity comes naturally to probably a mature writer. If not in biological age or in volumes of published works, at least, in perception.

I wish to know a lot more people than I have already known. Feel what they feel. Empathize with them. Notice what makes them sad, and more importantly- what makes them happy. I believe that what makes you smile defines you more than what makes you weep. You can cry when in agony or in pain or when insulted. But you can laugh at them too and more. Also, there is no greater put off than misplaced humor.

In truth or dare, SG2 asked if would I ditch a guy if someone better came along. I said 'No" laconically at first. Then I expanded : It takes a lot of time to build something but hardly a moment to destroy it. I'd not want to ruin something which we both invested in. Not until things go really wrong. The greatest human tragedy is not people falling out of love with each other. It is one falling out of love with oneself.

The girls' talk continued, encompassing guys and their flimsy ways to win over a girl, how the other sex has better culinary skills nowadays, where is a good shop to have a bargain, where threading can be done instead of waxing eyebrows etc. Typical, and enjoyable. Something you can never have with a guy sticking around. We made pancakes in the morning and it was my idea, SS's provisions and SG2's execution. SG2 asked us to have them while she made them hot, we insisted we would wait for her to join us too. It led to the collective confession of how much we felt that we are becoming more like our moms , viz the joy in 'serving hot' to others while we are in the kitchen.

I guess my mother did not rest satisfied about my domestic abilities until my brother and friends called her up to give me certificates of merit. Sometimes I think it is strange - it feels like another world where I was not even allowed to fetch a glass of water for myself (Jal gariye khaoya in Bengali) Now, from grocery to laundry- everything has to be done on my own. Not that I despise it- it is just a way of life here. And I have got so used to cooking everyday that I got back in the afternoon to cook something because I felt as uneasy as I'd have if I hadn't brushed my teeth in the night.

Growing up is fun!

Sweet November

Itni shiddat se tumhe paane ki koshish ki hai-
ki harr zarre ne mujhe tumse milane ki saazish ki hai

Take 2:
Ladies and gentlemen,
Kehte hai agar kisi cheez to dil se chaaho to poori qayenat usey tumse milane mein lag jaati hai.

Humari filmon ki tarah, humari jindagi mein bhi end tak sab kuch theek hi ho jaata hai.Aur agar theek na ho to woh "The end" nahi.
Picture abhi baaki hai mere dost!

Ok I watched Om Shanti Om again. So what? Even if it meant sending my mind to graze grass- once more. But I had an occasion. I met Dada almost after one and a half years on the Thanksgiving weekend in Boston. I had last seen him in May 2006 in Noida, when he was about to leave for Pittsburgh.

PR (my roomate) had not watched it either, and we had made a pact that we would watch it together. But I cheated and watched it online last weekend. So, PR , her boyfriend VR (who had come over for the weekend too), Dada and me went out last Saturday to catch the flick at Capitol (Massachusetts Ave. Arlington, MA 02474) It was a neat 30 minutes drive from South Boston. I don't think it would have taken less than 45 minutes had we been in India.

I am so much used to multiplexes, that the hall looked disappointingly old. But then I decided to think of it as the "old age charm" that is intrinsic to the city. Even the red bricks of Harvard emanate it. Nothing justifies the parallelism with ivy plants better.

Believe it or not- I saw Harvard Square for the first time at night and had decent Indian food at The Bombay Club ( recommended). In short, the weekend was a typical Bollywood masala movie with an array of emotions hitting us folks :D

Wednesday:
Dada asked if I would be free this weekend and I replied in affirmative. He reached Logan airport around 10:30pm and reached home by 11:05 pm and we spend talking almost the rest of the night trying to catch up with what we had missed.

Thursday:
I decided to start with the Skywalk at Prudential Center, where you can have a bird's eye-view of the whole city and then decide upon where to go next. We had a turkey lunch for Thanksgiving and met an Indophile couple.

In the evening we met up with one of Dada's old school pals.

Friday:
I showed him around the Emerald Necklace.

Saturday:
We got out to the Bayside near my residence and I clicked some matrimonial ad-worthy photographs of Bro.

Sample :


Specially, with the ultimatum from my parents that he has just an year's time to find someone of his choice or else they will start looking for him :D

Btw, he looks more like Dad now, doesn't he? Though we have both got Mom's dimpled chin :) Quite a good looking family , eh? :D


Here's another facet of Mr. Amitabha Kar for you. Did I mention that one of my classmates had a big time crush on him ? :P (Sorry for embarrassing you in public Dad . I know you are blushing right now. Hee hee )

Went to Central Square for lunch at a Bengali restaurant and to Massachusetts Avenue in the evening.

Sunday:
Lazed about in the afternoon, honestly tired. I tried to work on my pending project report but had to cook for one of Dada's friends who was coming over for dinner. Dada helped with chopping the vegetables for fried rice and in creating an ambiance by playing songs . Recently, he has a surge of writing Shayeris. I want to locate the inspiration. Any clues?

Monday:
Woke up at 2 AM to work on the report which was giving me nightmares. If I am dreaming about it, it IS serious.

Bro will be leaving in a while. Don't know when I am going to meet him again. Maybe in December for Christmas at my aunt's place in DC. I'm glad to have a sibling to create memories with.

We have both changed in our own ways. I found him to be more care-free, more jovial and he observed that I have matured a lot, have become less expressive of my emotions maybe. Honestly, I feel I have become more like him and he has become more like my previous self.And since the growth was in vectorial opposite directions, the changes seem greater in magnitude from our present reference frames.

PR couldn't believe he is my elder bro 'cause of the way I boss over him all the time and try to micro manage things. But he understands that it is engendered out of the fact that I expect nothing less than perfection from him.

Thanks Dada, Pu and Viv for the great weekend.:)

P.S Btw, have you noticed how those lines from OSO are so eerily similar to
When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it from Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist ?

Everyone deserves to find his/her happy ending.
All the best.

Yuppie! It's my first snow

The weather forecast said it's going to be 2 degree C today. And I did not know that it needn't be 0 to have a snowfall. Of course , now when I think of it, the upper atmosphere is colder. ( How could I have forgotten my Standard VII geography lesson: Air temperature drops uniformly with altitude at a rate of approximately 6.5° Celsius per 1000 meters)

So, when my roommate said it is snowing outside, I stopped whining about how I am going to miss my favorite class this Thursday (no MGT650 on Thanksgiving) and jumped with joy. I was about to go out in flipflops and shorts to save time but that would have been too adventurous for my health. I took exactly 5 secs to pick a coat, a cap, a pair of jeans and rush downstairs.

And I did everything I had always wanted to viz catch snowflakes with my tongue ( the cold sting is amazingly invigorating), let the snow flakes rest on my nose and eyelashes, and walk with chips of snow falling on my coat and melting at the tips of my shoes.

There's a beauty associated with everything you experience for the first time. Repetition often takes the charm away. But some things always make me happy. Like the rains. I said "Balls to the storm" to reach Cambridge once, when weather prediction was that Noel could hit. I can't see it as severity of weather , but as something different. (Not wise always.Note to myself)

I know winters can be boring with almost no outdoor activities. And indoor activities restricted only to watching movies, reading ,cooking or browsing the net ( How much can an average human being sleep? )But I am going to try and make the best of it. :)

But yeah, you miss your near ones at times like this :(

Why do I feel sometimes that the magnitude of my happiness depends on sharing it? OMG! I had a life! What am I doing to myself? Get out of it! Get out of it! *develops a severe case of OCD*
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Ok. Here's a caption contest. Write whatever comes to your mind when you see these pics. I told AM : "Solitude is the mother of creativity" when he sent them in a mail saying :
picked up my cam and tried seeing things around the room ...
my life is restricted to my room ... and you say you don't have one?!!
Jesus! if only people would ... :D
well, tell me what you think about the pics ... and you can cut out the sweet things like "oh, they're nice" ... that's what i expect from other mortals, not you

Ok then, here you are: ( I know it totally depends on the mental frame you are in at a particular moment. I just want a snapshot of your mind. Don't dwell on it too much. Needn't be one word caption either)
#1

#2


#3


#4

Kyu ki managers bhi kabhi techi they

This post is dedicated to all the managers who think bossing over people will make them true leaders. ( Who knows- a few years later- I might need to read this post again . I hope not. For my own good reasons)

Some days back someone popped me a message on Gtalk:
AB: Kemon cholche Manushke Chabkanor lesson (How's is it going- your lessons for whipping humans? )

me: You hate your manager- don't you?
( I needn't have asked him- it was more than evident)

AB: Prachanda (Extremely)

I have rarely come across an employee who has said that he/she doesn't hate his/her manager. Let alone like/admire/respect/any other positive emotion. The title of a "manager" or "boss" conjures up the image of Hari Sadu. The brilliantly done ad of the year 2005 that naukri.com had so cleverly used to draw frustrated employers from all over the country to post their resumes in search of greener pastures.

The catch is- the grass only gets yellower. And if you keep job switching all the time, your CV would soon start looking that of a paranoid schizophrenic. If you stay on- you'll probably develop a severe case of Tourette syndrome with associated swearing.

Attrition rates in most companies can be attributed to mismanagement. At least, people I have talked to have mostly pointed that out. What makes a successful manager then?
In theory, we are taught several coveted *personal characteristics of a leader-

• Energy and stamina
• Focus
• Sensitivity
• Flexibility
• Ability to tolerate conflict , etc

(*Organizational Behavior and Processes- Ancona et al)

But in practice, do we really have any time to look back at the management lessons we had in B-schools, when the only concern is to get the job done- in time? I guess not. That is why I believe it is better to practice these values in a perpetual way than trying to resort to them periodically. By that I mean, just like charity begins at home, a good manager begins at home too.

Look at your personal life- are you having too much of conflict in interpersonal relations? Are you cluttering your life with redundant emotions and that is defocussing you from your priorities? Are you unclear about what you want? Are you restless most of the times? Do you have a negative image about yourself which is affecting your opinion about others or what possible opinion they might have about you? Then your life is in total mismanagement. And you need to streamline your efforts to do ONLY the things that are important to you. Life will be simple, uncomplicated and a joy to live.

Eventually, we are all seeking happiness. If we are not getting it then there's something definitely wrong. No point trying to be an ostrich with its head buried in the sand and pretending that nothing is happening around. You have to make a few active decisions . Even if it's as trifling as deciding to start the day 15 minutes early or having a healthy breakfast.

Life is , in the end, the choices we make. And I have heard someone say recently: You get what you want from life. At least 80% of it. I believe it. And also that: Beyond all talent lie all the usual words: discipline, love, luck- but most of all endurance.

So all the best for your love, luck and life. But don't forget the elements. And enjoy the journey.

If you are not the one...

"Perhaps luck exists somewhere between the world of planning, the world of chance, and the peace that comes from knowing that you just cant know it all " -Little Black Book

We spend our lifetime planning for a lifetime. Life's funny that way..once you let go of the wheel, you might end up right where you belong.

I could hear him sob from the other end of the phone...
I didn't know what to say and even if I did, I knew it wouldn't make sense...not to him right now.
We humans are too short-sighted, we can't see beyond the obvious...
if we could, we would have been thankful to the Supreme Reality (some call God) for not only what we have but also for what we do NOT have...

The quest

Sometimes, all I want is to get a knapsack on my back and go globe-trotting..but can I leave behind all that ties me back?
My family, my friends- the ones who love me?

But,I want to get away..

Stop calling me , stop expecting from me..
Stop worshipping me like I were a flawless Goddess

I despise all company..
I despise you who swore by the moonlight that you could lay down your life for me..
I despise you who said you would kill us both if we are not destined to be together ..so that in death we could meet..
I despise you who looks up to me like a faithful dog looks up to his master..

I despise all..
coz u take me away from me..
coz u tie me down...

I want to be myself..the only me..the eternal vagabond

My first crush

LOL
I know it's a weird topic..
especially now when my personal life has been shelved aside with a new list of priorities featuring in my life..
But I guess it's ok to indulge in idle thoughts once in a while..

BRUCE WAYNE
No, not Christian Bale or George Clooney..
Believe it or not..the first crush I ever had was on the cartoon character Bruce Wayne.. better known for his alter-ego Batman.
He had a darker side to his character..a super hero fuelled by vengeance.

I loved him because he was perfect..
and maybe that is why I easily fell out of love..
coz in real life..people like these do not exist...

Change

Bro is leaving tonight.
But I don't think I'll go to the airport to see him off.
I don't like saying goodbyes...am bad at them...

Today is the last day I'll be seeing him at home after office
It is feeling strange.
A certain emptiness has crept in.

And a pang of guilt.
In recent months I have been so involved with myself..I don't think I have given the best I could ...


When I wonder what is it that is choking me from inside..what is it that is making me so uncomfortable... other than the evident feeling that the shoulder I could lean on and cry everytime I needed to..and everytime I didn't -will be miles away from me.

I will remember everything about him so fondly...

His inventing lyrics while singing Hindi film songs and if I pointed it out , his reasoning with me.."It's Remix Sis!!"
His literally pulling my legs if I talked to someone for more than 10 mins over the phone...asking me to hang up and talk to him instead.

His guarding me like I were the most precious jewel on earth...

His strange ways of showing that he cared.

Sharing that last ice cream cone in summer...
Watching crappy movies with friends..and laughing for having wasted time and money.

His explaining Quantitative Aptitude fundas..my taking his vocab tests before his GRE

I know these days are never gonna be back..

My greatest asset...

Ok here it is..
It is about a "he"
Biological age 26 years.
Mental age...sometimes 8..sometimes 5...
Goes by the name Anirban Kar...and I call him- Bro

Last Friday, he gave a long pending treat to our friends
When he got his GRE score, he said.."Let me get a good TOEFL score"
Then it was "CMU admit"
Then "Let me clear the Visa interview"
And then"Now I have to leave station to give a lecture on MISM in my college"


LOL....Finally when it was time for him to leave for Pittsburgh..(actually just 3 more days to go...)-one of my friends threatened.."Dada!!! Treat na diley bhalo hobey na kintu!!! (Won't b e good for u if u don't treat us)

It was initially agreed to be a quiet dinner at Geoffrey's
But then we (6 of our closest friends) got in a mood to shake a leg so we decided to go to a near-by pub

Around closing time I dedicated two songs to him and while I was making the announcement about how wonderful a brother he has been through all these years...taking my tantrums.. giving me a shoulder during the worst phase of my life..I could feel a lump in my throat .
I asked him to dance with me with the rest of the crowd in the house cheering for us... just the two of us on the floor

At the end I got one of "those" ideas..and I made him stand on a chair and dance in the middle of the dance floor.
My excuse-" I won't be with you on your birthday next year..so let's celebrate now"

That is Anirban Kar for you..but for me- he's simply the world's greatest bro.

As a child, he had this habit to sing -"Phoolon ka taaron ka sabka kehna hai..ek hazaar mein meri behna hai" and throw flower petals on me.. (sometime hibiscus petals in absence of rose:D )

But I used to retort "Only in ek hazaar:( "
And he would correct himself..ek lakh, arab..kharab..
Both of us didn't know counting more than that..so I was happy and used to giggle for being valued such.

~Nothing Else Matters~

People have often asked me what does my present status message mean...
And I say "~Nothing Else Matters~ as in nothing else matters more than my CHOOSING to be happy"

I know it hurts..
u know it hurts ..
when your convictions fall apart..
when your beliefs turn to mere fallacy
and one day you wake up to find someone you thought u knew ..is only a stranger...

No, this is not a reiteration of a post I had scripted a few days back...and then deleted it..

It's a new page...written in a completely different frame of mind...

Nearly all of us know- how painful it is to realise that something u thought could last for an eternity is actually so short lived...

U make efforts to cling to it maybe..

U try to change urself...thinking u r at fault..

But then it gets exhaustive..
U want to be urself..
U want to live..to breath..to be happy...

U blame urself..a lot of other factors...
Completely non-existent elements..sometimes..

But at the end..u r still clueless....

Then u realise.. bit by bit..what will be..will be...

And the truism"Whatever happens..happens for good..." assumes more meaning than u ever acknowldeged before..

All those souls out there..who are searching for happiness just like me..
Let me tell u something today..what u have known all along..but might have forgotten for a while..

No one can give u the happiness u want..except YOURSELF

True.."There's a treasure everywhere"..but more than anywhere else...in our hearts...

It's my life!!

Someone recently remarked I appear to be a character from some novel..living in a far-off castle...who loves to play with puppies and wants only flowers as gifts..
Maybe I am not grounded..but surely I am not that fantastic!!
I wouldn't have existed in real life then!!!

But what the hell !
Who cares!!
And even if I do...who cares that I care?

Here I am ..having the time of my life -playing Movie Crosswords and Dumb Charades @ Kritva..

And pronouncing my fav F word a no.of times enough to make my Mom wash my mouth if she heard it..

I am happy..I am being myself..wild..crazy..fun..


I have never tried to be someone else in my life...
not only coz I think it's cowardly..but also coz I think it's much more convenient to be myself...


Love me or hate me...but only coz I am ME...

And if u think U want to change me... only to suit ur whim..then..I am terribly sorry..I can change for NO ONE.

It's not vanity..just simple logic
If I cease to be me...I will cease to exist..

and u wud actually be liking someone else...not ME


So next time u think something is not right ..or something needs to be rectified..just let me know..don't try to dictate..coz it's my LIFE!!!

Musings...

I wish I could weave together the words that could most aptly say what you mean to me.
But I am so inept.Never before have I been so brutally confronted with this paucity of mine..
But then to lament...I can't..
Coz you mean..so much more than words can ever say...

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I stab my heart ..I make it bleed
The pain is all I need
To go on

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My paper,pen,inspiration,
I owe u these and more..

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I grope for words in the darkness
And weave a dream
To wake up again to ur silence
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