What should a woman wear?

Women in Denmark who are found wearing niqab and burqa can now expect to be penalized for the ‘illegal act’ - more than £100 for the first offense and up to £1,200 with a potential jail sentence of up to six months. At the other extreme of the spectrum was what I read in ’I am Malala’ where the Taliban could choose to shoot a woman in the face if she refused to wear a hijab.

Fashion has changed over the years, from corsets that constrained the respiratory system so much that women needed fainting couches to bullets bras with circular stitches that made your boobs a weapon for your defense to the realization that women can wear pants to work too.

The western world appears very modern from a distance because it allows its women to wear whatever they want. But modernity is not a function of what you wear. You can wear a pair of jeans, but you might have Paleolithic ideas about gender roles. You might cover yourself from head to toe and still be championing for women’s right to education. Also, a deep cut blouse or a short skirt doesn’t make you sexually promiscuous.

For years, men thought that women dress up to get their attention. And women think it is for competition. That is a very antediluvian way of thinking. They didn’t get the memo that women (and men and pangender people) can wear whatever they want as long as the occasion is appropriate. You won’t wear shorts to a board meeting or a burqa to a beach (if your belief system is not strictly Islamic). In fact, what you wear should be no one’s business but yours.

Lessons from The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel

I started watching an Amazon original series (that received 14 Emmy nominations this year) about the life of a 26-year old woman who had a husband, two kids, a posh apartment- everything a woman living in Upper West Side of New York in the 1950s could want for her life to be perfect. Everything.

The pressure of having to look perfect every day
However, I was amused by the fact that she wanted to look so impeccable for her husband that she woke up every day before him, did her makeup- lipstick, fake lashes- the whole shebang and went back to bed to pretend that she had woken up looking flawless. The idea is ridiculous. I am my most vulnerable with my husband. He has seen me cry- bloated and red-nosed and has loved me. I can put up my game face for the world, but at home, I can be myself- whatever I choose to be. And not necessarily perfect. This is exactly when I sensed that things were not going to be kosher for Mrs. Maisley.

Don’t get me wrong. I am a huge fan of make-up. Done in the right amount, it can enhance your natural features. You can also opt to look like the Tin Man of Wizard with over the top highlighting- your choice. I don’t judge because I believe in the freedom of choice. However, the constraint of having to look perfect every day and even on your bed, while you sleep with the person who should accept you as you are- genuinely scares me. This is an unnecessary pressure that no woman should be subjected to.

Earn enough
Living the life of an upper-middle-class housewife with nannies to take care of the babies, a German cook at one’s beck and call, exercise classes, continually obsessing over body measurements and a seemingly infinite disposable income for shopping can appear like living in a dream- with rainbows in the sky every day. But it has no glory. Because you are dependent on the charity of another person to give you affection and financial security. What if someday he decides that he wants something else? Where will you be then?

Every woman should earn enough to be able to afford a place of her own. And if you are not making it, you are not there yet. And it is not just for the extreme case of a marital separation. You might get alimony that can afford you to get a place of your own. Even if you are in a healthy relationship, and you have the talent for anything- use it to build a nest egg and the rent for your nest if you need it. This will give you the confidence you need to waddle through a lot of feculence people throw at you.

Have real friends, instead of many friends
A woman should always have friends of her own. If the mutual friends decide to take sides, which they often have to, in case of a separation, at least, you won’t be left friendless. Mrs. Maisley may have found better friends through her ordeal- people who have similar interests and want to see her succeed, instead of vacuous, superficial people who she was obligated to socialize with because they were the wives of her husband’s friends.

Every woman should have at least one reliable person to lean on. Someone who will take you in on a rainy day and not worry about you messing up the carpet. This might be the hardest asset to find because even if you are a friend to everybody, not everybody is going to be a friend to you. You are only valuable to them as long as you serve a particular purpose. When it ends, your relevance in their life ends too. I have seen it happen often. Women who thought other women were their best friends, moved on with their lives when they didn’t need a free nanny, a friend who cooks and entertains or lends you money.

Ask yourself- if I had nothing- no money, no house, no husband- would they still be friends with me? If not, maybe it is time to make some new friends.