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Saturday, December 31, 2005

Can u beat it!!!

What a beautiful day!
And the best thing is..No hangovers..!!

It has been a long time when on a New year's Eve ..she hadn't gone clubbing...
When she said "Nothing" in reply to the query of her friends.."What did u do yesterday?"
The reactions varied from"Eh????" to "What?????!!!"
Followed by a couple of more exclaimation marks..

The incredulity of people amused her..

Yes,this year was different..

The party animal exterior didn't feel the necessity of going out and awing the world anymore...
She just wanted a quiet evening with the person she loved most..

She called up her Mom and talked for sometime before friends started calling her up again ,coaxing her to join their parties...

She politely refused,giving some non-existent reason everytime..
She didn't feel like lying but hurting their feelings was the last thing she wanted to do..
and anyways she wouldn't be able to explain ..N she hated explainations..

There was only one person she felt she was not doing justice to...they had a date together for the evening..for the past 2 years they have been together on every new year's eve..he has been the support system of her life on numerous occasions..but things were changing and she was not ready for it..
The best thing to do which ensured he wouldn't be hurt anymore was to try her best to avoid him..N so she did..

It was 12 midnight n she recieved a message wishing her A Happy New Year with the lament that the network was clogged and he was not able to reach her over the phone..
She tried over her Hutch connection.
"Network Busy" and "Error in connection"was getting a bit monotonous.
The Airtel landline provided some variety..from beep..beep.. beep.. to some indiscernible message in a Southern tongue..she kept smiling instead of getting frustrated..

People have gone berserk!! Everyone is trying to call up someone...

On her umpteenth attempt the call got connected..and it was a quick conversation..but it made her day

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Just another story....

She has hardly been herself for the past few days..she keeps thinking about him....what he might be doing..whether he was thinking about wonderful it would have been if they were together..

When suddenly she realises she's getting late for a class.

The teacher exclaims"Late???You??" with an expression that suggests that'd be the last thing that could happen on Earth.
She gives a shy,apologetic smile & takes a seat.

They have a pop-up test & she scores 113 out of 120.
"Not bad"..she thinks..

The teacher gives a winning smile.." I'm so proud of u ! You impress me as usual..."

She doesn't understand what is it there to be proud of-she sits attending rest of the class...absent mindedly now..
doodling in her copy -making flowers,eyes..lips...those pair of lips..

How she misses their warmth on her cheeks,her neck,..her own lips...
she wakes up with a shudder..
The whole class is looking at her now.
Her teacher asks" Are you ok? You look sick! "

She asks to be excused from the class-goes to the rest room & splashes water on her face.

Her friend trails her & asks"You ok?"
With a blank expression she nods slightly"Yes....I'm.....fine.."

He warns"It's just not right!!!"
"You're not being fair to yourself!"

She looks through him as if he doesn't exist and walks back to the class.

Bioanalytical techniques is not interesting anymore..The details u had to take care of that intrigued her in the first place appear too boring now..
Besides, she must have done them a few hundred times as a demo in the practical class...

She thinks of what she had been dreaming for the past few nights....the splitting headache is back again...Damn!!


He calls her up that night..but forgets his usual salutations...
Ridz,I have something to say..


I think U've changed...


I mean u r not the girl I fell in love with...
U were so fiercely independent when I first saw u-giving a damn to the world -capable of making her own decisions-that is what attracted me to u ..but now...
u have grown dependent on me...
u r not the cool cat u used to be..

It's isn't so it?
What is it?

Well...Mom wants me to get married soon..she wants a homely girl...u know...& u r ambitious!

She hangs up the phone on him & sits thinking for a while...
The conversation hardly appeared sane to her..

Suddenly she laughs & in her fit starts crying...
For hours she sobs till she feels all the blood vessels in her head will burst.

She goes to the wash basin and looks into the mirror...all swollen and red..this is the face he had fallen in love with..

She has a sudden urge to distort it
..she hits the glass with her fist & hurts her hand..

Suddenly dizzy...she falls on the bathroom floor

(to be continued)

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

My Wishlist

They say it's the season of miracles..
I thought why not come out with my own wishlist ..who knows..if God decides to take a peek into my blog..they might actually be granted..

First I thought of that simply awesome holiday package they are offering..I could wish that-Let Dad have some spare time from his otherwise busy schedule..and the whole of the family might actually go on a tour together -after a loooooooooong time.

Then I thought about that cute guy who plays Cedric Diggory in Harry Potter IV...I might ask for a boyfriend who looks exactly like him..if not better..

Or owning a library full of all the books in the world .

Then I thought of a miraculous way when I could pig on desserts and chocolates and ice creams and sugar candies for one whole week without twinging in the guilt of gaining weight..

Or I could simply ask for waking up one morning to find that I am a maestro in Salsa...

All these and more...

But that doesn't suffice!! :(

What is THE ONE thing that I would like to have ..that could change my life substantially and of those around me....

I thought..and thought..and thought...

Well's not so difficult after all..

I knew I just needed to wish for only one thing..


I call up Mom when I am in trouble or am in need of advice..
I sms Dad when I need some dough..

There are others really dear whom I choose not to understand...whereas with a little effort I could actually be warmer...more compassionate ..and be a part of a relation which can be treasured...

This is it!!!

My wish this year is to have a more loving heart...a little less meanness

more humbleness...a little less ego...

more of trust..and less of insecurities...

A lot of peace among the warring nations...and a bit of it..inside quieten my internal conflicts...

IN Reply to "what one thing would you like to come true for you on this birthday of yours?? Any particular gift (from God) that you wud like to receive?"

By God's grace I have everything (touchwood)
If I wish something then it would be
"Grant me the wisdom to realise the true worth of what I have and the abilty to preserve them"

Thursday, December 01, 2005

L'amour fait Le Monde tourner

We all are seemingly self-sufficient..but we all need an emotional anchor.
Amidst all those major crushes,short flings and torrid affairs...we are seeking only one element-Happinesss.

But we are so unsure of our priorities that we end up,most of the times,looking in the wrong places...
It's like chasing the end of a rainbow to find where a treasure is buried...

My take on human relations is something of the philosophy that is reflected in one of my fav. poems-"Porosh pathor" (meaning-The Philosopher's stone) by Tagore

It's the story of a man who gives up wordly pleasure and turns into a sage in the quest of the mythed Philospher's stone which has the Alchemical properties to turn anything into gold....

The man(in the poem) after years of search comes to know that the stone is lying by a sea-shore...he spends another few years of his life testing each stone...touching it with a piece of metal he has in his see if it can turn it to gold...
Each time it fails he throws the stone away- detested... picks again..tries another...throws it away

It is a long stretch of shore...and there are plenty of pebbles and stones
Years pass in a blurr...he grows a longer beard...his clothes become more ragged..his eyes almost visionless...all his mental faculties engaged in a pursuit which seems endless.

One day while he is mechanically testing the stones that lay in the path stretched ahead...a child playing by the shore says..."Baba,what is it shining in ur hand?"

He looks back and to his exhilaration finds the piece of iron he was clutching in his hand has turned to gold!!
He tests it with the stone he was holding then back test it...but it shows no response...then he picks another he had abandoned before...and another he had thrown away...all prove to be duds..

Then suddenly a piercing realisation dawns on his craze and disappointment with the previous rocks..he had cast away the real thing ... never realising it had the power to transform

And somewhere on the path that lay behind him,there rested what he had valued more than anything in this world...

But he was not to give up...
He turned back to revisit the path he had find again...what he had found and ....lost...

The poem ends with those haunting lines

"Ordhek jibon khuji Kon khone chokhhu bujhii
Sporsho lobhechhilo jar ek pol bhor

Baaki ordho bhogno praan Abaar koreche daan
Phiriya khujite sei Porosh pathor

Something which very grossly put means-(Sorry Tagore-for my ' lacking in art..but passionate in essence ' translation)

Having searched the half of his life In a moment of closed perceptions(sight)

The touch of which he had felt just for an instance

The remaining half of his now broken existence ,He has dedicated
To turn to look again for that philosopher's stone...