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Monday, May 16, 2005

Someone Like Me

I was living in a world where people noticed only my earthly visage.They were so stuck on it that they didn't probe deeper.Maybe they couldn't.
Most lived and burnt out like meteorites trying to reach out for the Earth.
In their flashes- I glittered and being so distracted by the outer facade-began to see less of my inner spark.
Amidst all the unwanted attention I basked in a fake sense of glory.Among all the voices hollering praise and applauses-somewhere , I lost my voice.
I couldn't listen to myself speak,couldn't hear my thought processes.I became a lot less like myself and a lot more like what my list of admirers wanted me to be.

Then one day...I came across a stranger.
Someone whose initial conditions of life was markedly different,whose struggle for existence and present living conditions were none like mine.But somehow..we were alike.
We had the same notions ,though they were formed differently and independently.
In a world of 5.7 billion people ,I found someone like me...

I loved to listen to him speak.I felt he was voicing my thoughts,telling me what I wanted to say to myself.
I thought I found my lost voice..

One day he asked me..what does he mean to me...
I couldn't reply.
What do u call a person who is the reflection of your soul?
What name do give to the relation that transcends everything that you have experienced so far?
A good acquaintance? A friend? A soul mate?
Nothing seemed to me enough
And so...I KEPT QUIET

But he could not read my silence.
He didn't realise..feelings don't always have apt words to describe them..we only make vain efforts to explain what we FEEL...but everything falls short..I didn't want to do that..I wanted him to FEEL too..feel the completeness....but he couldn't.He thought I was vain,proud,arrogant,unfeeling..

He was a very logical being..he wanted an answer to everything....my silence drew him away..and when he turned his back to go...I felt something warm flowing down my left cheek...I realised it was a single drop of tear.

41 comments:

Raj said...

Guys will want everything to happen fast, very fast and will need answer to everything. But the fairer sex will not speak much
rather expect him to read her eyes
for the answer. Someone who cant read the eyes of a woman can only
fall in love, they cant rise in love.

Cheers
Raj

Pradeep said...

Hey...Seems to be a

Pradeep said...

emotional, rather inspired from real life...sometimes we don't say anything we it matters most and then everything that we wanted last would happen first... but thats how life goes on.

Aparna Kar said...

I was just sitting in an inspired space and fondling my keyboard when suddenly it struck me to organise my thoughts...The male protagonist in the blog is not a person for real...he has the shades of characters I have met in life.
This is actually a page from my diary.
I fearlessly clicked on the Post button.. n waited hopefully to recieve an endless variety of instantaneous comments... I did, and I'm happy to have dared to do it.

Saurav said...

I don't want to generalize, but women often restrain themselves too much. They often take too long to speak the words that are on their lips. But then, 'That's how women are' seems the right thing to say..
So how about 'That's how men are'??
I'm not really taking his side, bcos unlike him, I waited a long time for the woman I loved, to speak those words... and I was rewarded in the end..

Another little note: If he didnt wait, did he really understand you that well? and was he really worth your love?

Abhinav said...

I feel that the guy should not have asked that question(what do i mean to you?).Was his feelings for the girl a function of what the girl felt about him?Moreover confessing love for anything or anyone shows the weakness and lack of self control.

shoma said...

A lot of guys have voiced their opinions here..now here's something from a gal's perspective...sometimes we gals r so much in love with the idea of love tht we might jump with joy at the very first instant we find something even faintly close to it....we might also train our minds ino believing tht we really love this person..or maybe 'this is how love feels' jus because we dont want to lose the beautiful relation we r currently havin with tht person....n lets face it guys...things do go on the downturn if the gal doesnt profess similar feelings for the guy....then leave love...even friendship is gone...
so i guess its better to take ur time ....if he's too imapatient for an answer cos he's wastin time over u when he should be trying his luck somewhere else...its better he leaves...n as abhinav aptly asked"Were his feelings for the girl a function of what the girl felt about him?" succintly brings out the point tht true love is selfless,undemanding and unconditional!

NAUGHTY PUNJABI said...

hii aparna.. vivek here from bangalore..
i guess what u have written if this is something real from ur life then i must that if u felt that the person was like u then probaly u were wrong somewhere ,may be he has same undertsanding may be u liked wht he used to talk his way of taking and his view point but he cdnt understand ur feeling that every women want a man to ask her out its not her ego but just that she wants he should tell her what he means . womens needs to be tell that u love her... may he was scared or may be he thought that ur proud but what so ever he failed to understand u .. any ways.. life goes on.. what happens happens for the best...
i dnt know what u have written is true even if its story thts the ans to it..
keep smiling..
cheers vivs

puchku said...

Every system of measurement has a sense of perturbation about it.You never measure upto the real value.In the very act of measurement you end up geting something that is uniquely different.Your measurement carries 'your' character in it.That is how nature is natural.

We humans have inside us something (call it brain...call it heart...call it dumb....call it smart....)which is I believe the most complex of all creations and it has hidden dimensions whose existence we seldom realise.But truth has projections along all the dimensions and sometimes that truth exists.And when it does so we ask questions.And you know our stupidity make us search the answer outside!The real answer only comes from within us.

I think you might not have seen him really when you saw his back.He didn't turn to show you his back...he turned to hide his naked soul...

Ami jani....

"amari chetonar ronge
panna holo sobuj
chuni uthlo ranga hoe
ami chokh mellum akashe
pube uthlo jole alo..."

Seo janto......Ar tai tar kora proshner uttore ek phota nishyobdo jolkeo se janto....

You said you wanted "him to feel....feel the completeness..."....He was searching for it in the ocean with you and you did not understand.

To fathom completeness he kept a little place inside him with a tiny drop of incompleteness.He sat there on the drop to gather his feelings of togetherness with you...He didn't ask you the question.He asked the question to his own soul, of which you are a part and so you listened.

You were touching him everywhere...and he was there in every nook and corner that your entity can master....He was together with you always....You thought he didn't read your silence.But in truth he never thought it to be "your" silence...rather he listened to the silence,perturbed by his own question he was looking into a journey through the scilence with you.....

"His feeling for the girl was 'never' a function of what the girl felt for him...."

He couldn't and doesn't distinguish himself from the girl....Seshe tar kotha jodi churi korte partam to bolte partam,

ekta proshne tomar anubhuti chchute cheyechchi
ekta proshne tanini shima rekha
ekta sobuj patae puro bosonto ke chchute cheyechchi
bhabini e bhabe bloggers e hobe dekha
bojhoni tumi nishyobde sagor beche kinechchi tomar chokher jol
bujhini ami anubhutir prasongikota
bujhini ebhabe sokoler aenae dekhbo nijer tol......
Hoeto tobuo bolar chchilo kotha
nishyobdo dekhechho sudhu!!
dekhechho sudhu sunnota!!
ekta joler phota ja jhorlo chibuk beye
mepechcho sudhu tari ushnota....
ekta buker bhetor anonter borosha
nishyobde sunechcho ki
jae se ki gan geye....


Feelings are very hard to codify as you correctly said....

u no...

GunS said...

A single drop of tear could leave a everlasting scar in one's heart. well you realized your heart's will thru your tears, but did you try to understand the pain and the wound he carries in his hert as his question remains unanswered.when heart speaks let it do so ... never supress it... follow your Heart and your life will be a Bliss.

vishal said...

Dear aparna kar i admire your will to share with the world u'r inner most closely guarded experience, u really deserve better than that gentleman who did'nt care a hoot for u'r sentiments.
I guess i should abstain from the use of any derogatory language against the bloke, lest u take offence.
I accept it when u say that u were aware that he was just a reflection of u, it is indeed a novel case when u meet someone who thinks and percieves just like u, says just what u are about to say. honestly it is a most wonderful feeling to share happiness in such a bond.And I am quite sure this slim chance cannot happen more than once.
Aparna though i am u'r friend and now confidante, i would like u to remember, if that person shared the same opinion ??? yes i think it is relevant. Because if such a bond was shared between the two of u, i really cannot envisage a valid logical reason for his turning his back to u, unfathomable, unpardonable!!!!
Unless he was fighting a battle within himself, a battle about which probably only both of u knew about. aparna did u ever

amit said...

hi aparna.putting a very deep thought into ur post it seems to b frm real life but dramatically poised.i puting myself in place of the person u r talking about can say that i also c'ld have percepted u as being arrogant enough.i just can't understand why sometimes fairer sex tends to be silent enough to just ruin everything.u know a whisper can do the magic. but ahh !!

amit said...

hi aparna.putting a very deep thought into ur post it seems to b frm real life but dramatically poised.i puting myself in place of the person u r talking about can say that i also c'ld have percepted u as being arrogant enough.i just can't understand why sometimes fairer sex tends to be silent enough to just ruin everything.u know a whisper can do the magic. but ahh !!

raja said...

ha ha..this is so extremely funny. Blogs are almost always so narcissistic but urs is almost a poetic ode to urself..:)
Great writing style..but dreamy fiction nevertheless.
And u actually got people to dissect it in so much of detail..my compliments!!

Palani said...

Reminded of this poem ...

The Guy in the Glass

When you get what you want in your struggle for pelf,
And the world makes you King for a day,
Then go to the mirror and look at yourself,
And see what that guy has to say.
For it isn't your Father, or Mother, or Wife,
Who judgement upon you must pass.
The feller whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the guy staring back from the glass.
He's the feller to please, never mind all the rest,
For he's with you clear up to the end,
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the guy in the glass is your friend.
You may be like Jack Horner and "chisel" a plum,
And think you're a wonderful guy,
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.
You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years,
And get pats on the back as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
If you've cheated the guy in the glass

-- Dale Wimbrow

Nihit said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Nihit said...

Hey...i contemplated on what all i read.I think conflating thoughts...does not give rise to something veridical.Whtever it is....looks like something real and ofcourse it's too emotional.Well...this happens with most of us.
Each and every person sees hundreds of faces and meets hundreds of people daily.Sometimes we come across someone,whose nature seems to be the same as our's.But then,sometimes that person comes in our life and goes away,as if it was never there.This usually happens because,either for that person everything happened unawares or we made a mistake.And that mistake is,ineffectivness of making that person realise our feelings about him/her.
Usually girls and sometimes boys also,are not able to express their feelings at the right time.And they regret after loosing the person they love or admire.Sometimes we people remain quite,because of the fear of loosing the person we love or admire due to any silly mistake of ours.
CONCLUSION:Never wait for the right time,time goes off leaving behind either sad or happy memories.

bhasmya said...

Hi Aparna,

are oi chele taake caal kor aar bol je e rakom byaapar. nahole mail kore nijer blog er link pathiye de.. asha kori bujhbe..

Regards,
Kallol

Arkus Caesar said...

Hi Aparna,

In matters of the heart(in most matters actually),I guess, its best to let go of your ego...If this guy really means that much to you then correct your silence, even now, if need be...

Been a long time...just spotted the link to your blog on orkut, and thought I"d have a dekko...

ME-MOI-MYSELF said...

very well expressed. a very deep insight into relationshps, especially the transient nature of relationships. On the flip side, if words are needed to express the way you feel and to quote you "What I mean?", then mebbe the relationsip isn't quite at the plane you portray it to be, or mebbe it just isn't meant to be! Food for thought?

Vinay said...

Hey Aparna,
Amazing style of writing.
I loved it sooo much, I hav already ready it multiple times...and each time I read, I find it more meaningful.

AakASH!!! said...

Aparna, I am a first time visitor here. And to tell you the truth, your writing has that timeless quality of being. The flow of emotions is just so very natural. And the coda is class itself.

Do visit me some time, i am your blogs namesake!

anuj said...

I just made me weep. Very emotional. Yo babes, it happens in life that u don't get what u dream of. But i guess wasn't it too rude not to utter a single word. Sometimes its bad to hide ur feelings. And tht happened with u .

If its true, mate its not good.

Rajesh Jain said...

Awesome !!!

pdey said...

.. lemme start from here.. i will try to read a blog a day, and jot down my opinions here(might take longer than a day).. :).
you are a free flowing thought-machine.. and it kicks off pretty well.. i feel the same way sometimes.. and the protagonist is, after a long time, i realised, is me only.. and its my sheer failure to understand myself that makes me cry..
.. May be that's the beginning of a journey.. journey of discoving the Self !!..

debubhai_bole_to_ said...

u tried to write/express ur feelings well. it sounded somewhat similar to 'the fountainhead'...howard roark and dominique francon...u know, thts called love....

Aparna Kar said...

@debubhai

Yes it is love..the most complex of all emotions..

Only that the desire to possess takes the charm away...

Aparna Kar said...

@Pdey

It's me..it's u..it's everyone..
who has ever known someonme close enough have seen the reflection of his/her soul..

But I guess..life has more mysteries than we can comprehend...

U or me..can make only vain efforts..

sometimes I think..what avail is it of anyways..

Aparna Kar said...

@Rajesh
Thx:)

Aparna Kar said...

@Anuj

Thx..I am humbled..if I made those tears flow..

It's not abt wanting something..

It's abt wanting smthng so much tht u fear to lose it..n in turn..fear to own it as well..

Aparna Kar said...

@Vinay

U encourage me..

I am glad to know u found more than one dimension to it..

keep discovering...

arun said...

Really lucky chap! ( My Guy huh!)

Aparna Kar said...

@arun
not really :)
this post was a figment of my imagination...
and "my guy" is my reality..

Manoj said...

Hmm, thats now an vintage incident, dont know how would you feel if i comment now

Manoj said...

Hmm, thats now an vintage incident, dont know how would you feel if i comment now

raven said...

the blog description says... I have never tried to comprehend the whole of myself at once..I know it will take time.. In my journey towards self realisation

and then the post label reads fiction

Aparna Kar said...

@raven
Sorry for disappointing you.
But fiction has its say too when it comes to define someone... in this case it's me.
Well let me correct it to "semi-fiction". That should suffice.

sudipto said...

again...may be i am late here too....but cant stop me writing something..!!!
you know one thing aparna....u said that guy to be a logical being...but what i feel its not being logical but being particular....! if he would have been logical he might have felt what u felt for him,could have made out "we only make vain efforts to explain what we FEEL"....but there he failed as he expected that in words...!! logic needs something thinking what he didnt give time for. he needed readymade answer.

Big Man said...

Could have remained silent... no words to do justice to something wonderfully writen!

Abhinav said...

Subhan-allah! If words had wings, you would be a bird. May you live a thousand years, and each year have a thousand days, and you write something as good as this one for each day of the year. Keep writing... TC.

debdeep said...

Amazing! I was searching for the excerpts of Tagore and luckily got that. Good one to start with Rabindranath.

You can also post your comments on my blog:http://wearetheworld-debdeep.blogspot.com/

Cheers and take care.