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Sunday, July 31, 2005

The Butterfly Effect

People often say the most striking feature about me is my love for life.. my desire to live every moment of it..
But I wasn' born with it.. I did not have this much reverence for life always...

We are familiar with the popular theory that the flapping of a butterfly's wings in China(or Tahiti)
could cause tiny atmospheric changes which over a period of time could effect weather patterns in New York(or Kansas)...(several versions are available )

It means..change a small thing..and change everything..
Let me relate how a tiny piece of broken glass changed my attitude towards life.


Let me begin from the beginning...
I was in 1st year then...
Went up to my hostel roof bare footed and carelessly walked over some broken pieces of glass;I got myself pricked and as habit had it..I took it lightly until I saw my left sole turn tumid and faced difficulty in walking.

Doctors-try my best to avoid them..but had to consult one..he discovered a piece of glass embedded in my foot and suggested I take some medication first
which did not make any difference and I had to undergo an incision.
That was hardly an event...seeing urself getting incised is not a happy thought but I was too curious to find out how much I can bear .
And when I was about to enter the O.T ,I saw a doctor tring to revive a hysteric with slaps that is enough to rattle ur brains..she woke up with fits n started screaming..
It was so comic I couldn't help lauging heartily...the doc probably took me for some major nut..
But someone had said rightly.."I cut my finger-it's tragedy,u fall in an open sewage and die-it's comedy

Now an incision can't be stitched (if u had a restless childhood u probably know by now)
It has to be left as an open wound..bandaged and allowed to heal...
But the medical problem I was encountering was..my body was already used to stronger strains than the ones used in the antibiotic I was prescribed (I discovered later) and it was not responding to the doses
As an obvious consequence..my wound refused to heal.
Dad and Mom got to know about it soon..
What followed was a series of refers until I landed up in Max Hospital ,Panchsheel Park under the observation of Dr.Shipra Shindey.
During the dressing sessions I had never dared to look at it..fearing that if I saw it I might think I am ill and won't recover quickly..
While examining, the face of the doctor got distorted and as she called in my Dad to witness(who had his own share of unsightly visions during the early days of his career )-he gave the grave expression of looming menace.
I decided to have look and when I saw-I knew what I had done...

An ugly hole and raw flesh gaping at me...YUCK!
She said what she had to ..She thought it was too late..n since I had not taken care or got myself a Tetanus shot..I might have contracted the disease...
Nevertheless,she asked for a Pus Culture and asked us to wait until the results came in.
We made a silent agreement and decided not to say anything about this to Mom until the results came.

While we were heading home...I saw Dad looking out of the window of the car ,sitting beside me..
..and I imagined to have seen a tear in his eyes..
I felt guilty and irresponsible and was overwhelmed to discover the magnitude of his love...
He didn't say a mean word..or rebuke me ...or be unkind to me...
I would have felt much better if he had..

I was adamant and kept saying to myself..nothing is going to happen to me..
I have so much to do...!!
That day I prayed fervently.
My only worry was I would never be able to dance again..I called up my friends and said the same.. they encouraged me..
helped me keep faith..some would visit me whenever they could and talk and giggle like nothing was wrong.

I can confess..I was scared...
scared by their abnormal naturalness..
D-day came..and miraculously ( she said...99% chances were it would be positive result showing the presence of bacteria)
the test result was negative..it was so incredulous to a medical practitioner-she wanted another test to be done..

However I did not need it and a stronger dose of antibiotics made things better.
Little by little I started ambling and while my parents slept I would sneak out to the stairs and try to climb them .

In another month's time I was able to walk again while I was taking my final exams.

I still believe..if I did not believe I will live..I wouldn't have..

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Love Actually...

Statutory warning

All characters in the following pieces are fictitious.
Any resemblance to any body living or dead(or half-dead)
is purely coincidental.

Story I

It was his birthday.
After a purfunctory lunch with their common friends , he took them to her favourite coffeehouse,ordered her favourite pastry,played her favourite song and knelt down beside her with a bunch of her favourite roses in oblation.

She knew it was coming & she was determined to get over with it as soon as she could or was possible.
But she could not..it was not possible.
It was his birthday after all!
She sat motionless on her chair while her hand hung limply with the flowers.

He knew the answer-but he still wanted to hear it..hoping against all hope that she might...

Her silent tears told it all..
Some things are not meant to be..
He put on his social mask and turned back to the jovial being he is..
only she could see through the pretense..she knew he was putting up an act.
She even believed that probably no one would ever love her the way he did.
During the years of togetherness-laughter without reason is what brought them close..
He would crack silly jokes or pass comments just to see her smile.
She would let go off all reason, her air of sobriety and giggle like a child.
She felt so alive at those times!

Maybe this was the selfish reason why she could not let go even when she knew it was coming.Even when she felt the tension in their relation increasing with his growing desire to possess the object of his affection.

That night he did not sleep.
Neither did she.


Story II

She could see him sleeping beside her in total submission.
He had a faint smile on his face which accentuated his handsome features.
His sculptured body gave the impression of a Greek God.
In spite of herself she had worshipped it many a times-subconsciously.

At first,it was a raw primal attraction that had brought them together.
An instant of explosion and two bodies intertwined as one...
Gradually they discovered the joys of companionship.

She remembered the times when he would prepare breakfast for her and feed her while she lazed about in the bed.
The soft music playing and their dancing together to the audience of celestial bodies under a starry night sky on the terrace...



She never expected more than what was.
She never thought what it ought to be.
Maybe she was too tired of waiting...

Then one day-he popped the question.
She smiled and kissed his forehead.
He thought it to be her assurance and went off to a peaceful slumber...
While she sat there beside him...
Watching him ..
Thinking...
Some things are just not meant to be...

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Alternate reality..

I could feel the bile rising inside me...

I had read it in newspapers happening to other people.I knew Delhi and NCR is definately NOT the safest place for girls-but having spent my grads level in this part of the country in a campus and freaking out in groups made me live in a fool's paradise until...

17th July,2005.Sunday
Time: 3:45 pm(Note: Afternoon!!!!)
Location: In front of Mc Donald's
Sector-18,Noida
(believe me ..one of the most crowded places on an otherwise leisurely sunday)

I was waiting for one one of my closest gal pals,alone.
I hate to wait but she's an exception.
I was debating whether to wait for her 5 more mins or to fetch the new Harry Potter book from Bookworld when a lady clad in a Salwar suit with cropped hair approached me and asked"Tumi Bangali?"(Are U a Bengali?) & smiled benevolently.
I nodded & she further queried-"Are you waiting for a friend?"
Another nod in affirmative.
"Has not come?"
Sideways nod ( Don't talk to strangers)
Out of the blue she asked me"Why don't u join me for a cup of coffee in Barista?"
What the...!?!
My fatal instinct told me there's something fishy.
I was feeling uncomfortable & my irritation was evident on my face..I could feel my jaws stiffen & eyebrows contract"No Thanks"
I asked her to leave me alone and went inside until I saw my friend come.

I was evidently upset and for the first time in my life- I did NOT feel safe.

The incident in itself was a trifle...but the implications were disturbing..

What was she?
A freak?
A lesbian?
A procurer?

(Trust me..her voice,her intonation did not suggest the kinderly attitude of an amiable lady who justs want to treat a young girl out of the blue...I have a fertile imagination most of the times...but...there was something definately sinister about her)

We are so blissfully unaware of most things happening around us..reality which has a parallel existence has no meaning until we see it happening to us...our near ones
This is not my idea of enhancing experience..But now I know..naiveness is a crime

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

12th July

I don't know why most people are so prejudiced..their preconcieved ideas and mental images prevent them from embracing new experiences.
I personally believe that if I had "n" similar experiences I could still have a "n+1"th novel one.

Maybe I am a fool or expect exceptions to be rules sometimes at least.
I was with a friend of mine when our car got stuck in a pit.It seems that a very popular mobile service provider had dug up the road and had not taken enough care to make the refilled earth safe enough.
It had been raining for days..and the condition of the road was little better than quicksand.
People came over to help us and towing was not so easy ..believe me-it was an Accent.
A middle aged gentleman eyed me from head to foot and remarked-
" Driver aisi solid hai to gaadi to phasey gi hi!"

I found it quite derogatory and coming from an elderly gentleman such a sexist remark was hard to digest.
I swallowed it with the sweetest smile possible and I let him do the talking..trying to figure out what made him think that the size of boobs is inversely proportional to the size of brains?

I was majorly pissed off when he tried to pick a conversation asking me what I was doing and so on and so forth.
Ignoring him completely I moved nearer to my friend who was carrying some bricks to settle the mud.I asked him if he needed some help.
The guy poked in again"Iss ko kehtey hai Samajhwaadita-pehle Gaadi gaaddey main daali aur ab puchtey ho-'Can I help u?' "

I don't know how I held my temper.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

6th July

11:30 AM
What a perfect day for a stroll or a long drive...
But I have set targets to achieve today and I can't afford leisure right now.
I want to go out and feel the breeze wantonly gamboling with my hair,drops of rain falling on my face like a lover's kiss.
But back to work..
Have to trace the Etymology of a few words...

I am not working in the AIB lab today...some problem with the Internet.. using the AITTM one and am not quite comfortable...
They usually don't entertain students from other departments but the lab administrator referred me so I can work in peace(?)

It sure is noisy and I am finding it difficult to concentrate

I can still run away..to embrace the monsoons

No !The faculty is leaving for a tea break and has asked me to look after the lab while they are gone...ok now..added responsibility.
Hmm..bye-bye rains..come again another time...

"Little Lara(my nickname) wants to play
but has to wait for another day..."

12:45 pm
Have to go out, accompany a friend to sector 1.
I usually welcome the monsoons facing the sky with my arms stretched out.An onlooker might think I am crazy...but I hope I never grow too busy to perform the ceremony.

I picked a cup of coffee from the canteen and sipped on while I walked in the drizzle.
The drops fell in the paper glass and I had to finish it before it grew cold..quite a challenge.
Did u ever do it? (Or I am the only crazy one around here?)
Then u probably know the pleasure of licking a mango zap ice cream in winter nights....


01:15 PM
B-37,Polyplex Industries...
Met Mr.Sinha..one of the Senior managers there..
I could almost touch the pride in his voice when he said it was a 7 crore enterprise when they got started with just 9 people and 2 rooms..
now it spans to 450 crores,2500 employees..and he is soon to be one of the GMs.

But it was not only his personal achievements-
I could imagine how would it would be to grow together...
Looking out of the glass window I felt the pulse down below..it was not a matrix of buildings anymore
it was not just a business enterprise..it was a family...
a growing family...

He had asked me about my ambitions...when I intimated it to him..he said immediately.."You will do it! I can see it in your face.It is almost written there"

Maybe he was just being nice...
but I could feel my jaw stiffen while I talked of my dreams..
No failure is fatal...but this time I have staked everything.
Even Murphy's Law ("If anything can go wrong, it will") can go wrong sometime.....
And so says the eternal optimist in me....

Monday, July 04, 2005

Hmm..

Guy number 1#
I like his collection of formal shirts-I wonder where he shops from?

Guy Number 2#
The tattoo on his arm looks so cool! GK? Probably...

Guy Number 3#
Attitude is contagious and his is surely worth catching!

3 guys in 3 mins-problem of plenty...
wait..wait..
I like his eyes...make that Guy number #4

Ok....I am a commitmentphobic and I could never figure how two people can decide to spend the rest of their lives together..fall in love,get married.
Probably that only means..inspite of my regular diet of romantic movies- I never really understood the meaning of love...

No one wants to settle with a compromise.And being fiercely independent only makes co-existence a nightmare.
Individual freedom has been assigned so much unnecessary importance that the concept of "space"in a relation has assumed an unhealthy meaning.
I wonder if I should have been born 20 years later or I am too late...