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Saturday, December 31, 2005

Can u beat it!!!

What a beautiful day!
And the best thing is..No hangovers..!!

It has been a long time when on a New year's Eve ..she hadn't gone clubbing...
When she said "Nothing" in reply to the query of her friends.."What did u do yesterday?"
The reactions varied from"Eh????" to "What?????!!!"
Followed by a couple of more exclaimation marks..

The incredulity of people amused her..

Yes,this year was different..

The party animal exterior didn't feel the necessity of going out and awing the world anymore...
She just wanted a quiet evening with the person she loved most..

She called up her Mom and talked for sometime before friends started calling her up again ,coaxing her to join their parties...

She politely refused,giving some non-existent reason everytime..
She didn't feel like lying but hurting their feelings was the last thing she wanted to do..
and anyways she wouldn't be able to explain ..N she hated explainations..

There was only one person she felt she was not doing justice to...they had a date together for the evening..for the past 2 years they have been together on every new year's eve..he has been the support system of her life on numerous occasions..but things were changing and she was not ready for it..
The best thing to do which ensured he wouldn't be hurt anymore was to try her best to avoid him..N so she did..

It was 12 midnight n she recieved a message wishing her A Happy New Year with the lament that the network was clogged and he was not able to reach her over the phone..
She tried over her Hutch connection.
"Network Busy" and "Error in connection"was getting a bit monotonous.
The Airtel landline provided some variety..from beep..beep.. beep.. to some indiscernible message in a Southern tongue..she kept smiling instead of getting frustrated..

People have gone berserk!! Everyone is trying to call up someone...

On her umpteenth attempt the call got connected..and it was a quick conversation..but it made her day

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Just another story....

She has hardly been herself for the past few days..she keeps thinking about him....what he might be doing..whether he was thinking about her..how wonderful it would have been if they were together..

When suddenly she realises she's getting late for a class.

The teacher exclaims"Late???You??" with an expression that suggests that'd be the last thing that could happen on Earth.
She gives a shy,apologetic smile & takes a seat.

They have a pop-up test & she scores 113 out of 120.
"Not bad"..she thinks..

The teacher gives a winning smile.." I'm so proud of u ! You impress me as usual..."

She doesn't understand what is it there to be proud of-she sits attending rest of the class...absent mindedly now..
doodling in her copy -making flowers,eyes..lips...those pair of lips..

How she misses their warmth on her cheeks,her neck,..her own lips...
she wakes up with a shudder..
The whole class is looking at her now.
Her teacher asks" Are you ok? You look sick! "

She asks to be excused from the class-goes to the rest room & splashes water on her face.

Her friend trails her & asks"You ok?"
With a blank expression she nods slightly"Yes....I'm.....fine.."

He warns"It's just not right!!!"
"What?"
"You're not being fair to yourself!"

She looks through him as if he doesn't exist and walks back to the class.

***
Bioanalytical techniques is not interesting anymore..The details u had to take care of that intrigued her in the first place appear too boring now..
Besides, she must have done them a few hundred times as a demo in the practical class...

She thinks of what she had been dreaming for the past few nights....the splitting headache is back again...Damn!!

***

He calls her up that night..but forgets his usual salutations...
Ridz,I have something to say..

Hmm?

I think U've changed...

?

I mean u r not the girl I fell in love with...
U were so fiercely independent when I first saw u-giving a damn to the world -capable of making her own decisions-that is what attracted me to u ..but now...
u have grown dependent on me...
u r not the cool cat u used to be..

It's isn't so Aby..is it?
What is it?

Well...Mom wants me to get married soon..she wants a homely girl...u know...& u r so..well..so ambitious!

She hangs up the phone on him & sits thinking for a while...
The conversation hardly appeared sane to her..

Suddenly she laughs & in her fit starts crying...
For hours she sobs till she feels all the blood vessels in her head will burst.

She goes to the wash basin and looks into the mirror...all swollen and red..this is the face he had fallen in love with..

She has a sudden urge to distort it
..she hits the glass with her fist & hurts her hand..

Suddenly dizzy...she falls on the bathroom floor

(to be continued)

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

My Wishlist

They say it's the season of miracles..
I thought why not come out with my own wishlist ..who knows..if God decides to take a peek into my blog..they might actually be granted..

First I thought of that simply awesome holiday package they are offering..I could wish that-Let Dad have some spare time from his otherwise busy schedule..and the whole of the family might actually go on a tour together -after a loooooooooong time.

Then I thought about that cute guy who plays Cedric Diggory in Harry Potter IV...I might ask for a boyfriend who looks exactly like him..if not better..

Or owning a library full of all the books in the world .

Then I thought of a miraculous way when I could pig on desserts and chocolates and ice creams and sugar candies for one whole week without twinging in the guilt of gaining weight..

Or I could simply ask for waking up one morning to find that I am a maestro in Salsa...


All these and more...

But that doesn't suffice!! :(

What is THE ONE thing that I would like to have ..that could change my life substantially and of those around me....

I thought..and thought..and thought...

Well ..it's not so difficult after all..

I knew I just needed to wish for only one thing..

GRANT ME GOD THE COURAGE TO SAY "I LOVE YOU" TO PEOPLE WHO MATTER TO ME..MORE OFTEN..

I call up Mom when I am in trouble or am in need of advice..
I sms Dad when I need some dough..

There are others really dear whom I choose not to understand...whereas with a little effort I could actually be warmer...more compassionate ..and be a part of a relation which can be treasured...

This is it!!!

My wish this year is to have a more loving heart...a little less meanness

more humbleness...a little less ego...

more of trust..and less of insecurities...


A lot of peace among the warring nations...and a bit of it..inside me...to quieten my internal conflicts...

NEW WISH ADDED ON 14TH SEPTMEBER, 2006:
IN Reply to "what one thing would you like to come true for you on this birthday of yours?? Any particular gift (from God) that you wud like to receive?"

By God's grace I have everything (touchwood)
If I wish something then it would be
"Grant me the wisdom to realise the true worth of what I have and the abilty to preserve them"

Thursday, December 01, 2005

L'amour fait Le Monde tourner

We all are seemingly self-sufficient..but we all need an emotional anchor.
Amidst all those major crushes,short flings and torrid affairs...we are seeking only one element-Happinesss.

But we are so unsure of our priorities that we end up,most of the times,looking in the wrong places...
It's like chasing the end of a rainbow to find where a treasure is buried...

My take on human relations is something of the philosophy that is reflected in one of my fav. poems-"Porosh pathor" (meaning-The Philosopher's stone) by Tagore

It's the story of a man who gives up wordly pleasure and turns into a sage in the quest of the mythed Philospher's stone which has the Alchemical properties to turn anything into gold....

The man(in the poem) after years of search comes to know that the stone is lying by a sea-shore...he spends another few years of his life testing each stone...touching it with a piece of metal he has in his hand...to see if it can turn it to gold...
Each time it fails he throws the stone away- detested... picks again..tries another...throws it away

It is a long stretch of shore...and there are plenty of pebbles and stones
Years pass in a blurr...he grows a longer beard...his clothes become more ragged..his eyes almost visionless...all his mental faculties engaged in a pursuit which seems endless.

One day while he is mechanically testing the stones that lay in the path stretched ahead...a child playing by the shore says..."Baba,what is it shining in ur hand?"

He looks back and to his exhilaration finds the piece of iron he was clutching in his hand has turned to gold!!
He tests it with the stone he was holding then ...to back test it...but it shows no response...then he picks another he had abandoned before...and another he had thrown away...all prove to be duds..

Then suddenly a piercing realisation dawns on him...in his craze and disappointment with the previous rocks..he had cast away the real thing ... never realising it had the power to transform

And somewhere on the path that lay behind him,there rested what he had valued more than anything in this world...

But he was not to give up...
He turned back to revisit the path he had treaded...to find again...what he had found and ....lost...

The poem ends with those haunting lines

"Ordhek jibon khuji Kon khone chokhhu bujhii
Sporsho lobhechhilo jar ek pol bhor

Baaki ordho bhogno praan Abaar koreche daan
Phiriya khujite sei Porosh pathor
"

Something which very grossly put means-(Sorry Tagore-for my ' lacking in art..but passionate in essence ' translation)

Having searched the half of his life In a moment of closed perceptions(sight)

The touch of which he had felt just for an instance

The remaining half of his now broken existence ,He has dedicated
To turn to look again for that philosopher's stone...

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

The princess and the thief

He saw her sleeping ,wrapped in white satin sheets...
Her ivory skin glowing in the dark,set against her raven tresses ,her locks resting on her temple like the bells of a holy shrine.The curve of the brows-so perfect!
The closed eyes with jet black lashes-so enthralling in their peaceful slumber! He felt scared to think what would they do to him if they were awake..
The smooth edge of her nose,the rose coloured,honey -kissed lips..that promised the elixir of life...
the dimple of her chin-resting just above the heaving bosom-two perfect domes of marble.

Before he had entered her room-he was the most infamous thief in the kingdom.A silly bet in a local pub had landed him inside the seemingly impregnable palace of the king...and as destiny had designed-in the chamber of the king's only daughter..

And there he stood mesmerised.

It was not a desire to possess..just an urgent need to worship the divine beauty that lay asleep,unguarded,untainted..her beauty so pristine,so magical...it could enthuse desire in stone statues he thought...and he was only a man...
and now..only a lover...

It must have been hours while he stood there watching her..or ages..but it didn't matter.
He had lived only to see this day...

By the faint moonlight,he thought he saw those lashes move...and her eyes open...those shiny orbs...opened wide..
but instead of the look of a goddess appeased with her most devotest worshipper-they held fear
She screamed & suddenly there was a lot of commotion...people rushing in..first the lady-in-waiting and then the palace guards.

But he stood there-without the will or power to move.
*********************************************************************

It was a quick sentence.
He was to be hanged in public to show what happened to those audacious tramps who dared to set their dirty feet in the hallowed precincts of the palace's most sacred chamber.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

The scent of a woman

I was placing my order at Barista counter when someone sneaked up from my back saying"Mmmm...u still smell the same..."
Startled I turned to find a long lost acquaintance.
It's not an isolated incident..most of us associate a fragnance with a person/event/place.
A particular shaving lotion reminds me of Dad,Mom has a unique sweet flowery smell, the duplication of which I haven't found yet...I used to dig my nose in her clothes as a child when I missed her while she was at work.
The odour of new text books always added to the excitement of a new academic year in school..
A mixture of night queen n red roses remind me of marriage ceremonies.

One of my favourite olfactory perceptions have been..believe it or not...kerosene,cherry blossom and salysylic acid in any form
Thankfully I don't wear any of these on me...(would keep the mosquitoes away though if I went trekking)

My personal favourite over the years has been JMW..with my attention ocassionally ambling to Avon, Hugo Boss or Gucci products...
But at the end..it is always JMW...
There is something about the perfume that makes me come back to it...the apparent unassuming attitude..but it's lingering effect which leaves behind a part of me..long after I am gone...

If I had continued with Biotech ,I 'd have probably spent a considerable amount of my life in R&D,trying to figure out a perfume which brings out the personality odours in everybody..this way everyone would smell different even after applying the same thing..
there would be one problem though..some people would smell so obnoxious..we wouldn't know what to do with them...

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Potter mania

Yesteday,I let myself readily be effected by my favourite disease...and u have guessed it right already from the title of my post....
I would define it as a state of trance developed once the brain starts releasing chemicals to trigger an urgent need to read a Harry Potter book or watch the newest release...
I slept at 5 in the morning after I finished reading the book in one go...
Wouldn't have taken that long with my normal RC speed but I was relishing the budding romance in Hogwarts(including the snogging) with extra attention....gulping down every bit I could....(have been waiting for this to happen since Book I, u know)
Occasionally rereading sentences...underlining them...( adding personal notes- a dirty but useful habit)
Been waiting since July 17th to read the book,lying by my bedside...which I couldn't pick up owing to my prior commitments.
Most of u might have read it already...
I couldn't justify the death of one of the most adorable characters after Sirius(and honestly thought of sending a mail about it to J.K .Rowling to bring him back to life in the next title...) and with the concept of Horcruxes introduced..it seems we can expect 4 more books now...
Much to the annoyance of a couple of friends who are yet uneffected by the Potter Syndrome...
I kept reading the book the whole day,not recieving phone calls or answering merely in monosyllables if I did so...
Someone said.."GROW UP ,LARA"

Well...

Friday, November 04, 2005

The sea

She walked by the sea watching a thousand waves kissing her at her feet.
How ephemeral was their passion! How fleeting! And how much at extremes!
One moment begging to touch her,to feel her and the next- making haste to get away-with a sudden unexplained repulsion.

She stood at the place where a thousand promises were made to be broken.

The sea looked so inviting today...promising the peace that has deluded her for years now.

She turned back to see a set of footprints or two..but there was no trace ....the waves had washed away the markings of the past..a past which had perished silently..

Slowly she ambled into the water lapping at her

***
The following morning he clucked with unattached emotion when he read in the newspaper
-"Fishermen have found the body of an unidentified woman"

The detailed description of the body followed but he didn't have the time to go through it.
It was already time to get ready.
He had a busy day ahead.

Love is.....

Love is overrated.
Biochemically no different than eating large quantities of chocolate

Al pacino in The Devil's Advocate

Really?
We have some other opinion as well...


Love is a state of perpetual anaethasia..where you mistake an ordinary man for a Greek God and an ordinary woman for a Greek Goddess.

Love is wanting to grow old together...

Love is when he flies some 2500 kms,n drives another 50 kms in blaring traffic just to be by your side and hold ur hand...

Monday, October 31, 2005

My first love

I knew him since my kindergarten days as the most adorable creature that treaded on Earth.
The first time our eyes met,I knew it was going to be a lasting relation.

We grew up together-sharing our moments of happiness and glad grace,of grief and not-so-graceful awkwardness.

We were secret keepers-me and my German Spitz..

Dad wanted to call him "Rex" but I preferred "Snowy" for his snow-white coat and after the companion of my favourite childhood hero-Tintin.

I still remember the day Dad gifted him to me.Barely a month old, he could hardly walk.But determined to follow me everywhere I went.With his little fluffy paws and a ringed tail-he looked like a ball of white wool-ready to roll.

Snowy grew beautifully.
He was gentle with kids and a smash hit with nubile young women the ladies.
But curiously shy with the females of his own species of marriageable age.

One of my uncles had two bitches female dogs-a coal -black "Lucy" and a whimsical ever- yelping "Crazy"
The first day they came over for a visit he completely ignored them.When the younger,more eager one (Crazy) tried to socialize-he made a face which left no room for any allusions to her romantic ambitions.

He was almost humane.
Many a times.he had leaped up to a chair at the dinner table and demanded to be served along with the other members of the family.
Mom was very strict on such occasions and all he could do to save his face was to pick his bowl in his mouth and sit on his hind legs.

We'd often talk to him knowing he'd understand-not realizing how strange an effect it would have on an onlooker.
A newly appointed home-guard told me once,"There's something I need to tell u...Sir (referring to my dad) talks to the dog!"
It was not long before I found her talking to "the Dog" too.

When Bro left for MLNR(present MNNIT) , for further studies,I felt the absence of a sibling very strongly.
Snowy tried his best to cheer me up...wagging his tail more vigorously when I came home from school everyday.and licking my face more often to wake me up in the morning..
fetching his leash to go for a walk...his demands increased to keep me busy all day.
While I finished my home work,he'd sit under my study table not making any fuss.
When it was over and just before dinner..we'd play throw n fetch with his fav chew-able ball

Crackers always made him upset.
He'd keep his head buried in my arms for comfort if not creep under the bed for refuge.
I'd then pat him and say"It's alright..we all have the right to get scared once in a while"

Once,I was weeping when he sat beside me on my bed and touched my shoulder lightly with his right front paw...
he looked at me & seemed to say,"It's ok. We all have the right to our share of tears"
And I hugged him when he licked my tears .

Sunday, October 30, 2005

An issue (?)

Not so long ago,one of the world's most flamboyant ad gurus left his job after reportedly telling an audience that women made poor executives because motherhood made them "wimp out".

Marketing Giant WPP Group PLC told Britain's Press Association news agency that Neil French,who served as the group's worldwide creative director,had offered his resignation,and it had been accepted.
The comment sparked outrage among women in the advertising world.

I wasn't among the audience-I can't be judgmental.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

We are the World (?)

Democracy is based on the assumption that all men (and women) are born equal..
but the world I see around myself is so strange...no definition will suffice.

It was well past lunch time when I saw Mom heating the food today..one of the regular domestic help was accompanied by a fragile looking creature.
She was dark and petite..and I doubted it had been quite some time before she had a full square meal.
Soon I discovered the reason of the oddity.The food was meant for her...
While she sat on the kitchen floor eating I looked at Mom with a questioning glance. Mom whispered to me that that female was beaten up by her husband and that she did not have anything to eat the whole day.

I stood shocked...
the bruises on her body,her swollen face..I couldn't stand the horror of it.
I ran away from my room..But I couldn't run away from myself.
All I could think was-what kind of a man beats his wife??

I asked Mom later if she would lodge an FIR.She said something I did not understand..though the language she spoke sounded familiar..but words strung together made no sense to me...
In short -she said something that meant a "NO"

Unfortunately such incidents are not restricted to only the financially pressed.

I came face to face with another reality which I had chosen to remain blissfully ignorant about..till now.

A few days ago I had read in the newspaper about a 24 -yr old woman who had committed suicide because her husband(whom she had been married to for less than a year) had asked her to "Go To Hell!"

She was a student of DCE(Delhi College of Engineering) and in her second year MTech.
On the evening of that fateful day she had talked to her mother and younger brother over the phone.She had a test the following day and had assured her brother that she would pass with flying colours.
The conversation ended with their talking to her brother-in-law who said she was having a headache and had retired to her room.
The following morning her family got the news from a friend of hers (note-not the in-laws)that she has been found hanging from the ceiling.

Media reports were- it was a case of dowry abuse.
She was the eldest in the family and had 2 more sisters and a brother following.
Her father had managed a meagre sum of 60,000 as a nuptial present -much to the dissatisfactin of her in-laws.
What followed was- months of mental torture(despite the fact that-she was a part time lecturer and was earning a neat 15,ooo per month while studying)

All those myths about being financially independent...!!!!

The latest news was - three members of the family have been arrested and that the brother-in-law was absconding...

Whoever is responsible,Whatever their fate is.... with closed eyes to the way our system is run.... I assume that Justice will be done.... and soon.

But I wonder what difference does it make to the deceased?

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

The code

Modesty is certainly not my middle name...
I can't manage a deprecating smile everytime I am given a compliment..

What I don't understand is....why do most people feel intimidated by someone who is so sure of herself?

Thursday, October 13, 2005

A recurrent dream

I see it often- specially when I feel sad .
It always comes back to me...

I dream myself standing on the roof top of a sky scraper- so hideously high that everything else appears to be scarce,unimportant.

I can almost feel my complacence...clubbed with a sense of triumph of being there..I look down to have a better veiw..standing on the edge...And then suddenly I get giddy and seem to lose balance...
I am about to fall when someone holds me....a pair of strong hands..
I turn back to see who it is and thank that person...But the dream always ends there....

Throughout the years I have tried to analyse it...what it could mean..what it has tried to convey...
A few of my closest friends have come up with interesting explainations...
I have listened to all of them sincerely...

But of recent,I have developed and nourished the belief that I am waiting for me to happen to me.

The person or idea that breaks my fall..is no one from outside..it's something within me....

Monday, October 10, 2005

Sharodiya

There's something magical about Shorot.
The Autumn Goddess is here.You don't need to be a believer to see it.
The swaying of Kaash Phool in a breeze,the heavenly scent of Shiyuli on dewed grass in the morning,the cottony clouds floating by a perfectly blue sky...
a crescent moon in the night.

Pujabarshiki Anondomela!!!
I know there are quite a few unfortunate like me who won't be able to go home his year when the deity has descended on Earth from her heavenly abode to visit her parents.
Whether we see her divine visage,hear the dulcet summons of the Shankh heralding her arrival,the jingle of the bells,gobble the sweets..or not...
Let's make a promise to ourselves to celebrate wherever we are ,whichever way we can.....and make this season truly the triumph of the Good over Evil,of Light over Darkness,Of Knowledge over Ignorance,Virtue over Vice,of Fraternity over Enmity,of Oneness over Isolation...

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Joie de vivre

I have this strange superstition to wake up in the morning and look into the mirror.It is not vanity,it is a belief that if I wake up seeing myself..during the course of day I will be responsible for my own actions.

I have not been perfect..nobody can..I have erred,I have learnt.

I have been in pain...
cried without reason..laughed at my own follies
But at the end of everything I have been glad and grateful to be alive...
it is just like the protagonist of a computer game named "Captain Claw"-I used to dig as a kid.
"There's got to be a way out!!!!"

And I have always tried to look for that way.
There have been times when I found my convictions fail me...my beliefs turned to fallacy..
Disillusionment is no joy..it hurts.It hurts a lot

But then again this (almost eerie) love for life...
My desire to keep dreaming..be true to them...

When asked.."Something U can't live without"..
I reply.."My faith in me"
I wonder if I am an Idealist who lives in a world that "ought to be" and not that"is" .


But then who cares...as long as I live I am going to try to be happy
I will sit and sulk..for a while maybe ..n then I will get back to work all right
Anyways I will always have the mirror to talk to...look into the eyes and say"See-it was ur fault.If u were foolish enough to commit it...be brave enough to confront and rectify it"

AAH! Life is still beautiful..
(refer to my previous blog with the title"Life is beautiful"June 2005)
I can still smell the flowers,hear the birds sing,feel the breeze blow...smile on seeing the cute puppy wag its tail...
the colours of the butterfly still bring delight.
Newly blossomed flowers and clouds making patterns in the sky..and birds flying in a V..

Oh it's wonderful world..and I am so blessed to be a part of it!!

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Later

After having argued with him for the nth time on a subject which made no sense to me... I decided to call it quits.He wouldn't understand coz he just wouldn't listen.Well,then I had nothing to say...anymore.It was over.
I was determined to go for a walk.It always makes me feel better. To divert my attention to something other than myself .

It has always been me ,isn't it? My happiness,my griefs..my idea of having a perfect world for myself...
I wonder how long it had been since I had genuinely cared for someone else..other than me...

Even my showering of affection was because it gave me happiness. I felt frustrated at having narrowed down my existence to such a minuscule level...just me..me..me
I walked with dreamy eyes..lost in thoughts when I felt someone tug at my jeans.. it was a dirty child clinging to my left leg...
oh hell..what is she(or is it a he?) doing here...
where are its parents?
Surely it is too young to beg!
I fumbled in my wallet..it had all 100s..there was no way I could help it
It wouldn't let go off me..and kept clinging...I looked around helplessly....soon some people came to my aid and released me of my plight.
I had looked away to hide my tears and after a long time I wasn't crying for myself...

It dawned upon me that I am unduely priviledged..and I don't deserve to be happy because I forget the fact-more often than not,how truly blessed I am.

There are people around the globe who are leaving their homes and possesions behind and taking refuge somewhere else to save themselves from the annihilating clutches of a cruel hurricane..some don't even get the chance.
Innocent ones are getting their heads blown in wars because a few power hungry nations wouldn't believe peace is financially beneficial. Some are crippled for life,some die before they have begun to live.
Those who survive the horrors live in a world which has no meaning .

And it is not like a stupid computer game where u can get life bonuses and health packs and magic potions in the right places

At least I have the power of choice..to live and be happy..

Ask me no more...


Ask me no more:your fate and mine are sealed
I strove against the stream and all in vain
Let the great river take me to the main
No more,at I a touch, to you I yield
Ask me no more.


I remember..as a young girl..I cried my heart out after reading a love story (Love story)by a famous author(Erich Segal) where a sweet couple is in love but the girl develops a terminal disease and it ends sadly.

In real life we do not need Divine intervention..we are enough to make a fool of ourselves...
And it is not always that the lack of love secedes two people..sometimes, it is too much of it...

I often say...If they don't love the way u want them to..it doesn't necessarily mean they don't love u...

Dunno..sometimes I feel I am the wisest fool I know...

Well, it's over now...of what use is the revelation?

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

A lesson learnt

The world is a lot more than that appears from an open window.

I had to go to Gurgaon & I decided to catch a bus from 37 Chowk,Noida
It is a common sight for daily wayfarers-a blind man with a long bamboo shaft stationed at the bus stop hitting the rear ends of the buses & screaming out the destinations
I found it quite curious & asked my fellow traveller-why was he doing so("Yeh aise kyu kar rahe hai?")
He enlightened me-the blind man helped the conductor of various bus services.In return they helped him monetarily on a monthly basis.
My words are inadequate to describe my feelings.I won't even try - I won't do justice to them
All I knew was I felt like reaching out to him & touch his feet in reverence.
(I do get emotional at times...most of the times..ok ..ok..am so all the time)

The idea of a visually impaired ,placed in the lower rung of society and NOT begging -was so novel to me..I welcomed the idea with open arms.
It was time for me to leave & I left with something warm inside.
I could feel my heart melt.

Someday in the course of time,if I forget the dignity of life & my worth as a human being,I'll try to think of the man at 37 Chowk,Noida & I am positive-My faith will be restored.

Life's lessons are learnt in the most unlikely places.

Monday, September 19, 2005

PHEW!

It's not easy being a woman..
Not that I am complaining :)
Since I took to improve my culinary skills and my friends took a fancy to it...I have them once in a while to have a grub.
Yesterday after classes one of my buddies asked me to make some sandwiches and omelette..which he found lip smacking the other day..I was tired but had to oblige
Soon a couple of Bro's friends arrived and while they chatted in the drawing room I was busy experimenting in the kitchen
(Oh ! Cooking has always been like a chemistry practical class to me..a sense of proportion and a sense of time..n wholla!! U r a magician)
Now,I can't serve differentially
there was another fellow who wouldn't eat eggs ..well, cheese and olive sandwiches for him...

How much I wanted someone to help me in the kitchen(I WAS REALLY TIRED)
..the maid was gone..bro's frns were kinda new acquaintances to me..
my Frn would help me best by keeping away from the kitchen as much as could-I told him so! :D
Of course I couldn't ask bro to help me..he had his friends to entertain..
n I fancied some real decent chap helping me out in the kitchen..
(I mean help as in "help"..what were u thinking????)

No one gave me a concession because I scored highest in Mock 4 in both the batches..
I am a woman(or at least growing to be one)
..the home maker..I am supposed to make everyone feel at home..or that is what I feel my responsibilty is..
No one told me that..no one made me swear by his /her head..
but I feel..so....

U might disagree n even think I am a pro feminist..
but think of it..
The perfect woman is one who can cook like mom,make love like a whore,be a real friend when it comes to secrets,is worldly successful..and is madly in love with u.

Since we believe in polarity ,for any person with a sense of symmetry this implies that at the opposite end there has to be a corresponding list of characters..I mean the perfect man should cook like Dad etc..etc...
(in case I forgot to mention-Dad cooks really well...Yummy)

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Then ..and now...

It flashed across her mobile screen...1 message recieved...
She pressed on a button tiredly . The inbox showed a name she had tried to delete innumerable times from her phone book...but everytime another phone call from him or a message and she would hurriedly save it again ..trying to hold onto the last bit of connection she could with him...
She knew it was perfunctory..but she was getting used to it.
The message read...

Issss..How could I have forgotten your birthday yesterday?! I am so sorry honey..Happy (belated ) birthday.Please forgive my forgetfulness

Thanks...anyways my birthday was on 14th

Did she actually care anymore?
They say numbness follows excruciating pain..she was probably in Phase II now..
she didn't care what he said or what he felt..if he meant it when he said he still needs her...
What for?

Her days seemed to pass in a trance...
She tried to keep herself busy..making work an excuse
She found comfort in words..they would mother her,heal her wounds..she would let them flow...flow like a pleasant fountain
It was strange how a cascade of words bore it's origin from a barren heart as hers..

Strangers with familiar faces would come and smile ..say kind words.Appreciate her.Say how much they wanted to tap her talents in creative writing.
She would listen patiently..acknowledge their kind gestures ...
Thank them and smile..a strange smile...
a smile no one could decipher the meaning of...

She would smile for three people she knew... who she was in the past, who she is in the present,and who she will be in the future...

Friday, September 16, 2005

16th September,2005

11 A.M.
At times I think I am crazy..at others I am sure of it


Itr's raining outside-I'm sitting under my vestibule on a chair,wrapping my legs in a blanket to keep them warm.
The wind is crazy n the trees are dancing in a frenzy.It's like the world is embraced in an overdose of passion-with each moment more ecstasic than the other.
Wish I had a cup of hot coffee/tea to sip on..but I don't feel like making it myself...
Aah!!! God must be listening to me today! Here comes the chai-wala.
Time for some introspection....
the past few days have passed in a blur.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

"...when demi-gods go,Gods arrive...."

I often find myself telling a friend who talks of a broken heart.
I believe love should give u happiness...if it makes ur life miserable and u still take credit for bearing it..I am sorry..I don't have my sympathies for u... u r a miserable wretch...full of self pity..happy with the thought that the object of ur affection gives u attention by kicking right on ur teeth
We,human beings have a strange need for emotional well -being...the need to shower affection on someone we hold dear..maybe not the ideal one..but still...
We probably have the superstition that love can change anyone....
here is it where we go wrong..the basic nature of a Homo sapien can't change(dunno about chimps)
Radical change is bull shit!
People go out of their way to look for happiness.....while all the while..it might be sitting just next to u...
Rather..as someone most aptly puts it..INSIDE u!

I probably did the same...
believing those stupid fairy tales I read as a child..
kissing myself sore..expecting a frog to turn into a prince..
no, it does not happen in real life.Period.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

HEIGHTS!!!!

I was notified by a friend that some wacky female was using my pics n my About me in orkut!!
The crib!!
She copied everything she could!!
I want u people to help me..
Flag her..report her as bogus
It's as bad as stealing my identity!!

the link is...
http://www.orkut.com/AlbumView.aspx?uid=14736708262621156200

Monday, August 22, 2005

To L

In beauty of face no maiden ever equals her. It is the radiance of an opium-dream --an airy and spirit-lifting vision more wildly divine than anything I ever knew. Yet her features are not of that regular mould which we have been falsely taught to worship in the classical labors of the heathen. The features of hers are not of a classic regularity --although I perceive that her loveliness is indeed "exquisite," and feel that there is much of "strangeness" pervading it, yet I have tried in vain to detect the irregularity and to trace home my own perception of "the strange."

I examined the contour of the lofty and pale forehead --it was faultless --how cold indeed that word when applied to majesty so divine! --The skin rivaling the purest ivory, the commanding extent and repose, the gentle prominence of the regions above the temples; and then the raven-black, the glossy, the luxuriant and naturally-curling tresses, rendering image to the word hyacinth.

I regarded the sweet mouth. Here is indeed the triumph of all things heavenly --the magnificent turn of the short upper lip --the soft, voluptuous slumber of the under --the dimples which sported, and the color which spoke --the teeth glancing back, with a brilliancy almost startling, every ray of the holy light which fell upon them in her serene and placid, yet most exultingly radiant of all smiles. I scrutinized the formation of the chin --and here, too, I found the gentleness of breadth, the softness and the majesty, the fullness and the spirituality.

For eyes we have no models in the remotely antique. There are, I must believe, scores of lost souls within. I dare not fathom them, I will only stand at the edge and drink of their fullness.. The hue of the orbs is the most brilliant of black, and, far over them, hung jetty lashes of great length. The brows, slightly irregular in outline, had the same tint.
The "strangeness," however, which I found in the eyes, was of a nature distinct from the formation, or the color, or the brilliancy of the features, and must, after all, be referred to the expression.
The expression of the eyes of her! How for long hours have I pondered upon it! How have I, through the whole of a midsummer night, struggled to fathom it! I am possessed with a passion to discover. Those eyes! Those large, those shining, those divine orbs! They became to me twin stars of Leda, and I to them devoutest of astronomers.

From S

(Disclaimer:This is NOT my composition.
Initially intended to be a testimonial for me(nickname:Lara) in an online community..I thought it would be better placed in my blog...of course with the permission of the writer...
Courtesy:My friend and confidant Shaurya Chakraborty)

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Sad....

It's a jungle out there and most of the Little Red Riding Hoods of today are prone to believe that the brave carpenters of yesteryear are on the endangered list if not an extinct species...
I was not an exception...
But then I got to hear the other side of the story from one of my friends..why guys are intimidated to be the Knight-in-the-shining-armour and help a damsel in distress..

"Ah, what can ail thee, wretched knight?" I asked
And he narrated...
He was on board a DTC bus when a drunkard was pestering a young girl...leaning over her and crash landing on her every time he could
...it was evident he was upto no good..and it was more intentional than accidental...
When the guy(my friend) couldn't take it any more he simply got up and kicked the fellow where he could...
He didn't realise how but the bastard started bleeding from the nose...
there were men all around and they started asking "Why did u kick him?"

The driver was so pissed off with the commotion that he stopped the bus and asked them to settle it on the road...
A load of hooligans ..all charged up and determined to bring justice to a poor innoucuous fellow beaten by a babu...
What happened next?
He was almost ashamed to say..he fled the spot..sped to the nearest auto and spluttered "Safdarjung JALDI !!"

He asked me what should he do if he encounters a similar situation..
I , as a friend ,couldn't ask him to risk his neck again

His voice faded among the hollering crowd..but what surprised me was..why was the girl a mute spectator???

If this be the attitude of females..then God forbid...

At least I know one man who isn't going to exhibit his chivalrous nature in public anymore..and it is not entirely his fault...

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Him

One of the fondest memories of my childhood is watching Dad while he shaved.
I'd stealth upto him & stand motionlessly while he worked up a foam with his brush.The awe would surpass even that of an ardent admirer witnessing a maestro at work.
I'd inevitably end up calling out to Mom,"LOOK MOM!! Dad is looking like Santa Claus"
This would make him bepaint my cheek with his foamy brush and I would run away giggling.
For me,as a young girl,he was the epitome of grace,valour,generosity,success and every other quality I deemed as virtue.
I wanted to emulate him & the possible way I could get any near was to walk around in the house with heavy steps wearing his boots & sneak into his shaving kit & prtend to shave while I tried to reproduce each gesture with careful efforts that came naturally to him.
It gave me immense satisfaction to copy his movements and an equal dissatisfaction to see that my cheeks were as smooth as ever with no sign of stubble.
What I didn't realise was-u need to tease ur cheeks with a razor to get some

Thank God I didn't...

Sunday, July 31, 2005

The Butterfly Effect

People often say the most striking feature about me is my love for life.. my desire to live every moment of it..
But I wasn' born with it.. I did not have this much reverence for life always...

We are familiar with the popular theory that the flapping of a butterfly's wings in China(or Tahiti)
could cause tiny atmospheric changes which over a period of time could effect weather patterns in New York(or Kansas)...(several versions are available )

It means..change a small thing..and change everything..
Let me relate how a tiny piece of broken glass changed my attitude towards life.


Let me begin from the beginning...
I was in 1st year then...
Went up to my hostel roof bare footed and carelessly walked over some broken pieces of glass;I got myself pricked and as habit had it..I took it lightly until I saw my left sole turn tumid and faced difficulty in walking.

Doctors-try my best to avoid them..but had to consult one..he discovered a piece of glass embedded in my foot and suggested I take some medication first
which did not make any difference and I had to undergo an incision.
That was hardly an event...seeing urself getting incised is not a happy thought but I was too curious to find out how much I can bear .
And when I was about to enter the O.T ,I saw a doctor tring to revive a hysteric with slaps that is enough to rattle ur brains..she woke up with fits n started screaming..
It was so comic I couldn't help lauging heartily...the doc probably took me for some major nut..
But someone had said rightly.."I cut my finger-it's tragedy,u fall in an open sewage and die-it's comedy

Now an incision can't be stitched (if u had a restless childhood u probably know by now)
It has to be left as an open wound..bandaged and allowed to heal...
But the medical problem I was encountering was..my body was already used to stronger strains than the ones used in the antibiotic I was prescribed (I discovered later) and it was not responding to the doses
As an obvious consequence..my wound refused to heal.
Dad and Mom got to know about it soon..
What followed was a series of refers until I landed up in Max Hospital ,Panchsheel Park under the observation of Dr.Shipra Shindey.
During the dressing sessions I had never dared to look at it..fearing that if I saw it I might think I am ill and won't recover quickly..
While examining, the face of the doctor got distorted and as she called in my Dad to witness(who had his own share of unsightly visions during the early days of his career )-he gave the grave expression of looming menace.
I decided to have look and when I saw-I knew what I had done...

An ugly hole and raw flesh gaping at me...YUCK!
She said what she had to ..She thought it was too late..n since I had not taken care or got myself a Tetanus shot..I might have contracted the disease...
Nevertheless,she asked for a Pus Culture and asked us to wait until the results came in.
We made a silent agreement and decided not to say anything about this to Mom until the results came.

While we were heading home...I saw Dad looking out of the window of the car ,sitting beside me..
..and I imagined to have seen a tear in his eyes..
I felt guilty and irresponsible and was overwhelmed to discover the magnitude of his love...
He didn't say a mean word..or rebuke me ...or be unkind to me...
I would have felt much better if he had..

I was adamant and kept saying to myself..nothing is going to happen to me..
I have so much to do...!!
That day I prayed fervently.
My only worry was I would never be able to dance again..I called up my friends and said the same.. they encouraged me..
helped me keep faith..some would visit me whenever they could and talk and giggle like nothing was wrong.

I can confess..I was scared...
scared by their abnormal naturalness..
D-day came..and miraculously ( she said...99% chances were it would be positive result showing the presence of bacteria)
the test result was negative..it was so incredulous to a medical practitioner-she wanted another test to be done..

However I did not need it and a stronger dose of antibiotics made things better.
Little by little I started ambling and while my parents slept I would sneak out to the stairs and try to climb them .

In another month's time I was able to walk again while I was taking my final exams.

I still believe..if I did not believe I will live..I wouldn't have..

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Love Actually...

Statutory warning

All characters in the following pieces are fictitious.
Any resemblance to any body living or dead(or half-dead)
is purely coincidental.

Story I

It was his birthday.
After a purfunctory lunch with their common friends , he took them to her favourite coffeehouse,ordered her favourite pastry,played her favourite song and knelt down beside her with a bunch of her favourite roses in oblation.

She knew it was coming & she was determined to get over with it as soon as she could or was possible.
But she could not..it was not possible.
It was his birthday after all!
She sat motionless on her chair while her hand hung limply with the flowers.

He knew the answer-but he still wanted to hear it..hoping against all hope that she might...

Her silent tears told it all..
Some things are not meant to be..
He put on his social mask and turned back to the jovial being he is..
only she could see through the pretense..she knew he was putting up an act.
She even believed that probably no one would ever love her the way he did.
During the years of togetherness-laughter without reason is what brought them close..
He would crack silly jokes or pass comments just to see her smile.
She would let go off all reason, her air of sobriety and giggle like a child.
She felt so alive at those times!

Maybe this was the selfish reason why she could not let go even when she knew it was coming.Even when she felt the tension in their relation increasing with his growing desire to possess the object of his affection.

That night he did not sleep.
Neither did she.


Story II

She could see him sleeping beside her in total submission.
He had a faint smile on his face which accentuated his handsome features.
His sculptured body gave the impression of a Greek God.
In spite of herself she had worshipped it many a times-subconsciously.

At first,it was a raw primal attraction that had brought them together.
An instant of explosion and two bodies intertwined as one...
Gradually they discovered the joys of companionship.

She remembered the times when he would prepare breakfast for her and feed her while she lazed about in the bed.
The soft music playing and their dancing together to the audience of celestial bodies under a starry night sky on the terrace...



She never expected more than what was.
She never thought what it ought to be.
Maybe she was too tired of waiting...

Then one day-he popped the question.
She smiled and kissed his forehead.
He thought it to be her assurance and went off to a peaceful slumber...
While she sat there beside him...
Watching him ..
Thinking...
Some things are just not meant to be...

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Alternate reality..

I could feel the bile rising inside me...

I had read it in newspapers happening to other people.I knew Delhi and NCR is definately NOT the safest place for girls-but having spent my grads level in this part of the country in a campus and freaking out in groups made me live in a fool's paradise until...

17th July,2005.Sunday
Time: 3:45 pm(Note: Afternoon!!!!)
Location: In front of Mc Donald's
Sector-18,Noida
(believe me ..one of the most crowded places on an otherwise leisurely sunday)

I was waiting for one one of my closest gal pals,alone.
I hate to wait but she's an exception.
I was debating whether to wait for her 5 more mins or to fetch the new Harry Potter book from Bookworld when a lady clad in a Salwar suit with cropped hair approached me and asked"Tumi Bangali?"(Are U a Bengali?) & smiled benevolently.
I nodded & she further queried-"Are you waiting for a friend?"
Another nod in affirmative.
"Has not come?"
Sideways nod ( Don't talk to strangers)
Out of the blue she asked me"Why don't u join me for a cup of coffee in Barista?"
What the...!?!
My fatal instinct told me there's something fishy.
I was feeling uncomfortable & my irritation was evident on my face..I could feel my jaws stiffen & eyebrows contract"No Thanks"
I asked her to leave me alone and went inside until I saw my friend come.

I was evidently upset and for the first time in my life- I did NOT feel safe.

The incident in itself was a trifle...but the implications were disturbing..

What was she?
A freak?
A lesbian?
A procurer?

(Trust me..her voice,her intonation did not suggest the kinderly attitude of an amiable lady who justs want to treat a young girl out of the blue...I have a fertile imagination most of the times...but...there was something definately sinister about her)

We are so blissfully unaware of most things happening around us..reality which has a parallel existence has no meaning until we see it happening to us...our near ones
This is not my idea of enhancing experience..But now I know..naiveness is a crime

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

12th July

I don't know why most people are so prejudiced..their preconcieved ideas and mental images prevent them from embracing new experiences.
I personally believe that if I had "n" similar experiences I could still have a "n+1"th novel one.

Maybe I am a fool or expect exceptions to be rules sometimes at least.
I was with a friend of mine when our car got stuck in a pit.It seems that a very popular mobile service provider had dug up the road and had not taken enough care to make the refilled earth safe enough.
It had been raining for days..and the condition of the road was little better than quicksand.
People came over to help us and towing was not so easy ..believe me-it was an Accent.
A middle aged gentleman eyed me from head to foot and remarked-
" Driver aisi solid hai to gaadi to phasey gi hi!"

I found it quite derogatory and coming from an elderly gentleman such a sexist remark was hard to digest.
I swallowed it with the sweetest smile possible and I let him do the talking..trying to figure out what made him think that the size of boobs is inversely proportional to the size of brains?

I was majorly pissed off when he tried to pick a conversation asking me what I was doing and so on and so forth.
Ignoring him completely I moved nearer to my friend who was carrying some bricks to settle the mud.I asked him if he needed some help.
The guy poked in again"Iss ko kehtey hai Samajhwaadita-pehle Gaadi gaaddey main daali aur ab puchtey ho-'Can I help u?' "

I don't know how I held my temper.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

6th July

11:30 AM
What a perfect day for a stroll or a long drive...
But I have set targets to achieve today and I can't afford leisure right now.
I want to go out and feel the breeze wantonly gamboling with my hair,drops of rain falling on my face like a lover's kiss.
But back to work..
Have to trace the Etymology of a few words...

I am not working in the AIB lab today...some problem with the Internet.. using the AITTM one and am not quite comfortable...
They usually don't entertain students from other departments but the lab administrator referred me so I can work in peace(?)

It sure is noisy and I am finding it difficult to concentrate

I can still run away..to embrace the monsoons

No !The faculty is leaving for a tea break and has asked me to look after the lab while they are gone...ok now..added responsibility.
Hmm..bye-bye rains..come again another time...

"Little Lara(my nickname) wants to play
but has to wait for another day..."

12:45 pm
Have to go out, accompany a friend to sector 1.
I usually welcome the monsoons facing the sky with my arms stretched out.An onlooker might think I am crazy...but I hope I never grow too busy to perform the ceremony.

I picked a cup of coffee from the canteen and sipped on while I walked in the drizzle.
The drops fell in the paper glass and I had to finish it before it grew cold..quite a challenge.
Did u ever do it? (Or I am the only crazy one around here?)
Then u probably know the pleasure of licking a mango zap ice cream in winter nights....


01:15 PM
B-37,Polyplex Industries...
Met Mr.Sinha..one of the Senior managers there..
I could almost touch the pride in his voice when he said it was a 7 crore enterprise when they got started with just 9 people and 2 rooms..
now it spans to 450 crores,2500 employees..and he is soon to be one of the GMs.

But it was not only his personal achievements-
I could imagine how would it would be to grow together...
Looking out of the glass window I felt the pulse down below..it was not a matrix of buildings anymore
it was not just a business enterprise..it was a family...
a growing family...

He had asked me about my ambitions...when I intimated it to him..he said immediately.."You will do it! I can see it in your face.It is almost written there"

Maybe he was just being nice...
but I could feel my jaw stiffen while I talked of my dreams..
No failure is fatal...but this time I have staked everything.
Even Murphy's Law ("If anything can go wrong, it will") can go wrong sometime.....
And so says the eternal optimist in me....

Monday, July 04, 2005

Hmm..

Guy number 1#
I like his collection of formal shirts-I wonder where he shops from?

Guy Number 2#
The tattoo on his arm looks so cool! GK? Probably...

Guy Number 3#
Attitude is contagious and his is surely worth catching!

3 guys in 3 mins-problem of plenty...
wait..wait..
I like his eyes...make that Guy number #4

Ok....I am a commitmentphobic and I could never figure how two people can decide to spend the rest of their lives together..fall in love,get married.
Probably that only means..inspite of my regular diet of romantic movies- I never really understood the meaning of love...

No one wants to settle with a compromise.And being fiercely independent only makes co-existence a nightmare.
Individual freedom has been assigned so much unnecessary importance that the concept of "space"in a relation has assumed an unhealthy meaning.
I wonder if I should have been born 20 years later or I am too late...

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

A beginning and an end

Everything that has a beginning has an end..
Maybe..but I haven't seen anything ending actually.
Things transform...n when they turn too ugly we comfort ourselves by playing with the idea that it has ENDED.
Sometimes we drag the corspe of a decaying existence just for the heck of it.

It is necessary to delete an engram to go ahead with life.
Selective memory is the secret of happiness
U don't need to be a masochist to enjoy pain...it has a kind of intoxicating effect..
just like when u get piercings done in ur body..u get addicted...want to go back again to do it..just to go through the pain again

Dunno the chemistry..probably Dopamine released at the synapse does it..


But one day u realise.. Life is not only about pain...life is waiting..calling...spreading her arms n asking u to embrace her...
u want to give the best of urself..u want to dedicate urself to a cause n live for a purpose.
It is when u wake up from a long drawn sleep n want to rise ..go forth

U feel a certain kinship with all living forms of the world and u begin to respect life even more...

Saturday, June 11, 2005

Growing up...

I had always believed maturity means accepting myself as I am.
Over the years I have learnt it also includes being involved in everything and yet being detached.Let nothing effect my inner peace.
I had once told one of my friends"I am too determined to be happy to give life a chance to make me sad" when he had asked "How's life treating you?"
I was too young then to comprehend the completeness of my own statement..now the world is a little more my own..and I am glad I was right.
It is not the great things that make us happy.It is the small moments...the trifles that go a long way to contribute to our overall well-being
How often do we waste our valuable time in musing over an unkind word at college/workplace from a classmate/colleague or an unfeeling lecturer/boss.At traffic signals shouting at every moron who is driving faster or every idiot who is honking the horn behind ??
If we could take an effort each day to make ourselves happy -
Wake up in the morning and flash a smile at the mirror even if we looked like the Third world war has just ended.Smile at an infant's toothless grin.Pat the pet more often.
Stare at a wild flower growing by the hedge for a moment longer.

Happiness comes from within.We should stop looking for it.

I don't prophesise the idea of being just a passive observer n let life make its way..be an active participant..be a storming river..torrent,energitic -breaking down all obstacles that block ur way...taking along with it or leaping over it but never stopping....

Give ur best efforts but don't expect..I am not asking u to attain some stage of sainthood...but take care to make the journey ur pleasure.

Success is an ever extending horizon.When we have reached somewhere, we set forth newer goals n programme ourselves to concentrate our efforts in achieving them.
It is unending.Such is the human nature.

So,wouldn't it be justice to ourselves if at the end of the day we look back n feel glad about not only having reached somewhere but having chosen the path we have?

Meander if u must.As long as ur centripetal force is working u'll never go astray..n that force is probably the values we have imbibed..certain principles which eventually become our guiding rules.But be flexible.There are always exceptions to the rules.

U know u r on a learning curve if every mistake u make is a new one.
Respect urself for what u r.

Had I been given a chance to live life all over again I'll make the same mistakes just to ensure that I evolve to be the person I am now.It is not vanity,It is self-love.
Some might think what use is it anyway?

I will ask-how can u offer to someone else what u don't urself have?

And most importantly..never kill the child in u..let it be curious,let it demand answers,let it explore n let it fool about.

Friday, June 10, 2005

The maverick and the traditional

Finally !!! I got my navel pierced.Dad's reaction was "Well Done! You have done a great job"
This is just his way..and I love him for that.The element of surprise is so negligible in him..I sometimes wonder if it is by virtue of being my Dad or he was born with it.
Anyways he has always been liberal and fortunately so.
I had mentioned once casually to one of my aunts(in January) the infinite possibilities(read:regions) of getting a piercing done and she nearly fainted.
I dropped the idea because she almost scared me to death when she claimed that I was prone to being HIV+ as soon as I got a needle stuck in my body(that is why I'm bidding my time to get a tattoo done)
6 months is more than enough to suppress a desire.I was in GK-I , M-block market yesterday and the idea came back to me.
What if I died tomorrow? I would always repent not having done something I wanted to.
At least I would like my corpse better with a navel ring (Dunno how this fascination with navel rings started..my first memories are that of Antara Mali doing a "Makhmali yeh badan ki nazaakatey haseen.."in Road and then Lara Dutta in "Chori Chori chhora chhori.." in Masti...I just couldn't take my eyes off those females!!)
Back in hostel it caused quite a stir among my friends..everybody wanted to get a glimpse of it..after many sessions of photography and video clippings with in built camera in cell phones.. did they rest satisfied.
I celebrated the new addition to my body by throwing a dance party in my room.Lights off,windows open,deck in full volume..n ACTION!!!

Suddenly I remembered something.
The previous day I was sitting with a couple of my friends in Swirls relishing ice creams when an elderly couple entered the ice -cream parlour..I noticed there was a scarcity of seats and readily gave up my seat (one of my old habits..been teased a lot by companions for this n been appreciated a few times ..but what the heck! I am what I am)
When I was paying the bill one of my friends was told"You girls are really well mannered ..Keep it up!"
I got the message and felt glad that she acknowledged.
Sometimes elders demand respect as if we have no other way out.But if someone genuinely appreciates our efforts or even a good habit..it feels great..
But it is not what I was thinking..when I was dishing out the most wacky(Ahem!read : erotic) steps much to the delight of my companions.I thought what would the lady say if she saw me NOW!!

Thank God we can lead a multifaceted life and each personality is in sharp contrast with the other.Too much of conventionalism would make life insipid and over dose of entertainment would be unhealthy.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Life is beautiful...

We often forget the wonder of all wonders..the vital force that lies within each of us.
Most of the times I am not conscious how lucky I am to be alive,to be me..how fortunate to close my eyes in feigned death each night to visit graceland...n dream even the seemingly impossible to wake the next morning with the oppurtunity to materialise it.
This is life ,a process of continuous self-evolution.To accomplish,to achieve,to be more than what we initially started our journey with.

But what is death?
Biologically, it is the ceasation of protoplasmic activity.
Just a full stop( I'm not talking about the phase of existence after physiologial death here)

That makes me wonder..what legacy am I going to leave behind when I am gone?

There lies the paradox..we never realise the value of life until we think of death.
Compared to the vastness of universe..our existence is so miniscule,so scant, so unimportant that we suddenly feel detached and all the efforts seem to be in vain.

Maybe that is why we fall in love,we get married( to the person we love most-ideally)
We want a witness to even our mundane day-to-day events.
We want to say-"I want to leave behind a part of me with you when I am gone"

We might not achieve immortality but we assume considerable significance.Our existence is acknowledged and cherished.

Monday, June 06, 2005

Of Azure and Red

On Saturday , I was blue and so I decided to freak out with one of my closest gal pal.She almost religiously checks out the guy crowd in Centrestage Mall.(In college lingo we call it NSP-Nain Sukh Prapti).I decided to join in for a change.
It actually took me some time to hit on a guy.He wasn't too flashy.A soothing face,a physique which I would grade..average plus delta(towards obesity).
Not the "Oh!! So HOT!!" kinds but the one for the keeps.
While I crossed him, I looked at him admiringly and he flashed me a smile of acknowledgement.I was almost expecting him to come after me (as had been in cases even when I hadn't shown interest & in this case..I was expressive)
But,to my surprise,he turned almost 180 degrees as if expecting someone else to come from the wing of the building I had come from.
Alighting from the stairs I saw him with a chick who seemed to appear by his side like a conjurer's trick..
The guy upstairs has a weird sense of humour!!

Finally I reconciled to the fact that "ALL DESIRABLE MEN ARE MARRIED/COMMITTED,GAY OR DEAD"

P.S Of course,I wasn't blue anymore,I was red with embarrassment.

And that marked the end of my NSP-ing career

Saturday, June 04, 2005

BLUE...

Even an eternal optimist like me can be pinned down n feel blue...
It is one of those moments when u feel nihilistic...u want to deny all existence n scream...so that the rest of the world might hear ur expression of anguish n realise the pain u r going through..at least a bit of it...

I sometimes wonder..why do I get so easily perturbed?Why do I care for someone who doesn't have an iota of faith in me..???

WHY ?WHY???

I wish my fingers could bleed while I 'm typing this out...

I get weird ideas when I am blue...

A friend suggested I should see many beautiful things around us are blue....this sky, oceans and our blue planet....

Well this is what I usually do..turn to Mother Nature for solace...

But nothing seems to be working today...

I know time is the greatest healer...n by evening when I'm freaking out with my friends probably I'll not even remember that I had to hear those unkind,untrue words..and even scripting this blog is helping me...as it is venting my frustrations...sorry readers...it was just a selfish blog..but I know many of u can empathise with me..we all have our shares of griefs..of those cruel moments when we feel we have been unfairly treated by some one who matters...

But certainly I am not going to sit n sulk...(not for a long time that is...)

Life is rich n it has more to offer than I can ask for...
Will try n ask for what I have forgotten to...
Till the next blog...
Take care

Monday, May 16, 2005

Someone Like Me

I was living in a world where people noticed only my earthly visage.They were so stuck on it that they didn't probe deeper.Maybe they couldn't.
Most lived and burnt out like meteorites trying to reach out for the Earth.
In their flashes- I glittered and being so distracted by the outer facade-began to see less of my inner spark.
Amidst all the unwanted attention I basked in a fake sense of glory.Among all the voices hollering praise and applauses-somewhere , I lost my voice.
I couldn't listen to myself speak,couldn't hear my thought processes.I became a lot less like myself and a lot more like what my list of admirers wanted me to be.

Then one day...I came across a stranger.
Someone whose initial conditions of life was markedly different,whose struggle for existence and present living conditions were none like mine.But somehow..we were alike.
We had the same notions ,though they were formed differently and independently.
In a world of 5.7 billion people ,I found someone like me...

I loved to listen to him speak.I felt he was voicing my thoughts,telling me what I wanted to say to myself.
I thought I found my lost voice..

One day he asked me..what does he mean to me...
I couldn't reply.
What do u call a person who is the reflection of your soul?
What name do give to the relation that transcends everything that you have experienced so far?
A good acquaintance? A friend? A soul mate?
Nothing seemed to me enough
And so...I KEPT QUIET

But he could not read my silence.
He didn't realise..feelings don't always have apt words to describe them..we only make vain efforts to explain what we FEEL...but everything falls short..I didn't want to do that..I wanted him to FEEL too..feel the completeness....but he couldn't.He thought I was vain,proud,arrogant,unfeeling..

He was a very logical being..he wanted an answer to everything....my silence drew him away..and when he turned his back to go...I felt something warm flowing down my left cheek...I realised it was a single drop of tear.