Identity

I had a serious issue when I joined the afternoon shift in Holy Cross School, Agartala. Ma'm Sujata introduced me to Ma'm Padmakali saying that : She is Anirban's younger sister. I came home furious and asked Ma : Why can't they just say 'Aparna Kar'? Ma reasoned: They don't know you well enough. Your brother is a topper in the afternoon shift, and they have taken his classes, it'd be easier for Ma'm Padmakali to relate to you that way. Soon, they will know your name too. Her words came true sure enough. By the time I left school, teachers who never took my classes started calling me by my name, which was pleasant of course. That reminds me, in those days, I mentioned in slambooks- 'The happiest moment of my life: is when strangers to me call me by my name.'

Dada was five years senior to me in school, and there was never any scope of sibling rivalry, except maybe when we had to decide who has taken a bigger scoop from the butterscotch flavored brick ice cream. But the problem wasn't just that. My father was a well known figure and I was afraid that I'd grow to be in his shadows. But he explained perspicuously that no matter how tall your grandfather was, you always have to do your own growing. I remembered that.

Later, I had all the freedom I needed. I had to make my own decisions and I wasn't 'also someone's somebody' anymore. I was just myself. I made my choices. A few right and a few wrong ones. But I grew up. I became what I am today. And I am still learning.

Today, I look back with mirth at the anguish of a ten year old for being called 'Anirban's sister,' or ' Amitabha Da's daugther' or even ' Abanimohan Kar's granddaugther'. They all made their mark in their own ways. They did something that gave them a name to reckon with. When my younger cousins are addressed as 'Aparna's brother' at school, I wonder how do they feel? Do they have a desperate urge to break my academic records or set a new family tradition in some kind of achievement? Or do they look at those who address them that way with contempt?

Maybe I will try to find out next time. As of now, identity has assumed a new meaning. I wouldn't mind being called so and so's daugther. And I equally relish the moments I hear someone address Dad as 'Aparna Kar's father'. However, I would shun it if I develop a tendency to seek approval for my own existence from someone else.

We all need our space to grow. A little freedom to be ourselves. Freedom. What a delusive concept! You can't have your individual identity without the freedom to express yourself. Nonetheless, absolute freedom can corrupt. Imagine a world where anyone is free to do anything he/she pleases ! This invites the next factor: Self control. But that's a topic for another post. Till then, be yourself. Life is too short to be someone else.