The Remains of the Day by Kazuo Ishiguro

The Remains of the Day by Kazuo Ishiguro
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

''The evening is the best part of the day.'

It was a very well-written book and though I don't agree with the definition of 'dignity' by the protagonist, Stevens, I respect him for the sacrifices he had to make to render his services to his employer, even on the occasion of his father's imminent death. His ideology stopped him from living a different, maybe even more fulfilling life. However, he seems to be representative of the English butler who kept the wheels of many important households running, while himself being invisible behind the scenes.

My bantering skills are at par with Stevens's, so I do understand his struggle to converse light-heartedly. Now, I can't wait to see the movie starring Anthony Hopkins and Emma Thompson that was nominated for eight Academy Awards. I had to wait until I finished reading the book to see how a successful screenplay is adapted. Also, the story arc of Mr. Carson in Downton Abbey was remarkably similar to Stevens. Probably heavily 'inspired' by the book.


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Pushing yourself: Is it really worth it?

We often find ourselves wondering when things get uncomfortable - is it really worth it? However, nothing of value can be achieved if we don't feel the heat- both physically and mentally.

I am highly diabetic. Good diet and exercise keep me alive and kicking for another day. Eating out leaves me feeling groggy with elevated blood sugar and affects my energy levels even the following day. Ever since I was diagnosed, I have cooked meals for myself every single day. This takes time and so I preferred to work-from-home for my employees. Recently, a role change has required me to go to work every day and eat out occasionally. I try my best to pack a lunch from home. But some days, when clients visit, the day starts early and ends late with no energy or enthusiasm left for cooking.

Longer work days also mean that the propensity to relax on weekends is more than the inclination to socialize. I like to have my friends over and have them enjoy my cooking. But SG and I also want to catch up on chores and have relaxed conversations without feeling the rush to accomplish anything on Saturdays and Sundays. Sometimes, I find myself preparing for the following week at work and with joy. This has been a tremendous learning experience for me. And I am grateful for it.

I like to voice my thoughts over a mic and feel connected to an audience. I have missed out on attending Live Lit on Thursdays for the past two months. Something I had been committed to for over a year. These are trade-offs of things I value.  I don't like saying that 'I am busy.' That is abstract. I like to define that I can have consecutive 10-hours days and since it is a start-up, everyone has to pull their weight. Also, this is more than just a 'job' for me, so I want to do my best.

I had two options:

1. Stay in a comfortable job and learn marginally. 
2. Push myself to the limit and see how far I can grow.

The seed would never grow if it were comfortable in the warmth of the earth, It decides to push against the dirt to become self-sufficient. Similarly, you have to step out of your comfort zone and expose yourselves to different energies. Allow yourself to feel the discomfort. Allow yourself to fail even. But focus on the growth. Only the growth.

What should a woman wear?

Women in Denmark who are found wearing niqab and burqa can now expect to be penalized for the ‘illegal act’ - more than £100 for the first offense and up to £1,200 with a potential jail sentence of up to six months. At the other extreme of the spectrum was what I read in ’I am Malala’ where the Taliban could choose to shoot a woman in the face if she refused to wear a hijab.

Fashion has changed over the years, from corsets that constrained the respiratory system so much that women needed fainting couches to bullets bras with circular stitches that made your boobs a weapon for your defense to the realization that women can wear pants to work too.

The western world appears very modern from a distance because it allows its women to wear whatever they want. But modernity is not a function of what you wear. You can wear a pair of jeans, but you might have Paleolithic ideas about gender roles. You might cover yourself from head to toe and still be championing for women’s right to education. Also, a deep cut blouse or a short skirt doesn’t make you sexually promiscuous.

For years, men thought that women dress up to get their attention. And women think it is for competition. That is a very antediluvian way of thinking. They didn’t get the memo that women (and men and pangender people) can wear whatever they want as long as the occasion is appropriate. You won’t wear shorts to a board meeting or a burqa to a beach (if your belief system is not strictly Islamic). In fact, what you wear should be no one’s business but yours.

Lessons from The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel

I started watching an Amazon original series (that received 14 Emmy nominations this year) about the life of a 26-year old woman who had a husband, two kids, a posh apartment- everything a woman living in Upper West Side of New York in the 1950s could want for her life to be perfect. Everything.

The pressure of having to look perfect every day
However, I was amused by the fact that she wanted to look so impeccable for her husband that she woke up every day before him, did her makeup- lipstick, fake lashes- the whole shebang and went back to bed to pretend that she had woken up looking flawless. The idea is ridiculous. I am my most vulnerable with my husband. He has seen me cry- bloated and red-nosed and has loved me. I can put up my game face for the world, but at home, I can be myself- whatever I choose to be. And not necessarily perfect. This is exactly when I sensed that things were not going to be kosher for Mrs. Maisley.

Don’t get me wrong. I am a huge fan of make-up. Done in the right amount, it can enhance your natural features. You can also opt to look like the Tin Man of Wizard with over the top highlighting- your choice. I don’t judge because I believe in the freedom of choice. However, the constraint of having to look perfect every day and even on your bed, while you sleep with the person who should accept you as you are- genuinely scares me. This is an unnecessary pressure that no woman should be subjected to.

Earn enough
Living the life of an upper-middle-class housewife with nannies to take care of the babies, a German cook at one’s beck and call, exercise classes, continually obsessing over body measurements and a seemingly infinite disposable income for shopping can appear like living in a dream- with rainbows in the sky every day. But it has no glory. Because you are dependent on the charity of another person to give you affection and financial security. What if someday he decides that he wants something else? Where will you be then?

Every woman should earn enough to be able to afford a place of her own. And if you are not making it, you are not there yet. And it is not just for the extreme case of a marital separation. You might get alimony that can afford you to get a place of your own. Even if you are in a healthy relationship, and you have the talent for anything- use it to build a nest egg and the rent for your nest if you need it. This will give you the confidence you need to waddle through a lot of feculence people throw at you.

Have real friends, instead of many friends
A woman should always have friends of her own. If the mutual friends decide to take sides, which they often have to, in case of a separation, at least, you won’t be left friendless. Mrs. Maisley may have found better friends through her ordeal- people who have similar interests and want to see her succeed, instead of vacuous, superficial people who she was obligated to socialize with because they were the wives of her husband’s friends.

Every woman should have at least one reliable person to lean on. Someone who will take you in on a rainy day and not worry about you messing up the carpet. This might be the hardest asset to find because even if you are a friend to everybody, not everybody is going to be a friend to you. You are only valuable to them as long as you serve a particular purpose. When it ends, your relevance in their life ends too. I have seen it happen often. Women who thought other women were their best friends, moved on with their lives when they didn’t need a free nanny, a friend who cooks and entertains or lends you money.

Ask yourself- if I had nothing- no money, no house, no husband- would they still be friends with me? If not, maybe it is time to make some new friends.

The 4th Annual Poetry festival, San Jose

Please feel free to share with your friends and consider supporting local artists by attending the 4th Annual Poetry festival, San Jose

Wild child

During one of our family vacations, I saw a huge, gorgeous tree bent at an angle. I wanted to climb it so my father gave me a hand. I was fifteen and it still is one of my fondest memories. An aunty traveling with us said,’ Amitabha da, your daughter is so wild. Who will marry her?’ I think she used the term ‘গেছো’, literally meaning arboreal. He muttered,’ Doesn’t matter.’ For him, climbing trees was more important than learning how to be more marriageable.

I also liked to climb and walk on walls like cats. An elderly neighbor voiced his concern to my mother,’ What if she falls and breaks her legs? Who will marry her then?’ I had to convince Ma that I would be careful and I avoided the front end of the wall so the neighbor could not see me again enjoying my walks on the walls.

They let me grow unpruned.
I might have some disagreeable parts, but I am completely, authentically me. And somewhere, that wild child still lives on and I am grateful for that.

On Father's Day

Most of my life I have seen him in his police uniform. When the front gate cranked and we hear his boots on the concrete passage to our house, we would settle in and become quiet if we were whiling away or chatting with mother. A strict disciplinarian and with very little patience for weakness- that is how we knew him. Now, I get to see the human behind the uniform, who is equally vulnerable like any other. His eyes light up upon receiving the tiniest of gifts. Even though he is not very verbal about his emotions, he emotes through poetry. I get why he wanted us to be strong. The mother nurtures, the father hopes that we can survive on our own. And somehow feels proud to see us do it. Happy Father's Day. This day and every day. My happiness today is a function of everything you did for us.