My first love

I knew him since my kindergarten days as the most adorable creature that treaded on Earth.
The first time our eyes met,I knew it was going to be a lasting relation.

We grew up together-sharing our moments of happiness and glad grace,of grief and not-so-graceful awkwardness.

We were secret keepers-me and my German Spitz..

Dad wanted to call him "Rex" but I preferred "Snowy" for his snow-white coat and after the companion of my favourite childhood hero-Tintin.

I still remember the day Dad gifted him to me.Barely a month old, he could hardly walk.But determined to follow me everywhere I went.With his little fluffy paws and a ringed tail-he looked like a ball of white wool-ready to roll.

Snowy grew beautifully.
He was gentle with kids and a smash hit with nubile young women the ladies.
But curiously shy with the females of his own species of marriageable age.

One of my uncles had two bitches female dogs-a coal -black "Lucy" and a whimsical ever- yelping "Crazy"
The first day they came over for a visit he completely ignored them.When the younger,more eager one (Crazy) tried to socialize-he made a face which left no room for any allusions to her romantic ambitions.

He was almost humane.
Many a times.he had leaped up to a chair at the dinner table and demanded to be served along with the other members of the family.
Mom was very strict on such occasions and all he could do to save his face was to pick his bowl in his mouth and sit on his hind legs.

We'd often talk to him knowing he'd understand-not realizing how strange an effect it would have on an onlooker.
A newly appointed home-guard told me once,"There's something I need to tell u...Sir (referring to my dad) talks to the dog!"
It was not long before I found her talking to "the Dog" too.

When Bro left for MLNR(present MNNIT) , for further studies,I felt the absence of a sibling very strongly.
Snowy tried his best to cheer me up...wagging his tail more vigorously when I came home from school everyday.and licking my face more often to wake me up in the morning..
fetching his leash to go for a walk...his demands increased to keep me busy all day.
While I finished my home work,he'd sit under my study table not making any fuss.
When it was over and just before dinner..we'd play throw n fetch with his fav chew-able ball

Crackers always made him upset.
He'd keep his head buried in my arms for comfort if not creep under the bed for refuge.
I'd then pat him and say"It's alright..we all have the right to get scared once in a while"

Once,I was weeping when he sat beside me on my bed and touched my shoulder lightly with his right front paw...
he looked at me & seemed to say,"It's ok. We all have the right to our share of tears"
And I hugged him when he licked my tears .

An issue (?)

Not so long ago,one of the world's most flamboyant ad gurus left his job after reportedly telling an audience that women made poor executives because motherhood made them "wimp out".

Marketing Giant WPP Group PLC told Britain's Press Association news agency that Neil French,who served as the group's worldwide creative director,had offered his resignation,and it had been accepted.
The comment sparked outrage among women in the advertising world.

I wasn't among the audience-I can't be judgmental.

We are the World (?)

Democracy is based on the assumption that all men (and women) are born equal..
but the world I see around myself is so strange...no definition will suffice.

It was well past lunch time when I saw Mom heating the food today..one of the regular domestic help was accompanied by a fragile looking creature.
She was dark and petite..and I doubted it had been quite some time before she had a full square meal.
Soon I discovered the reason of the oddity.The food was meant for her...
While she sat on the kitchen floor eating I looked at Mom with a questioning glance. Mom whispered to me that that female was beaten up by her husband and that she did not have anything to eat the whole day.

I stood shocked...
the bruises on her body,her swollen face..I couldn't stand the horror of it.
I ran away from my room..But I couldn't run away from myself.
All I could think was-what kind of a man beats his wife??

I asked Mom later if she would lodge an FIR.She said something I did not understand..though the language she spoke sounded familiar..but words strung together made no sense to me...
In short -she said something that meant a "NO"

Unfortunately such incidents are not restricted to only the financially pressed.

I came face to face with another reality which I had chosen to remain blissfully ignorant about..till now.

A few days ago I had read in the newspaper about a 24 -yr old woman who had committed suicide because her husband(whom she had been married to for less than a year) had asked her to "Go To Hell!"

She was a student of DCE(Delhi College of Engineering) and in her second year MTech.
On the evening of that fateful day she had talked to her mother and younger brother over the phone.She had a test the following day and had assured her brother that she would pass with flying colours.
The conversation ended with their talking to her brother-in-law who said she was having a headache and had retired to her room.
The following morning her family got the news from a friend of hers (note-not the in-laws)that she has been found hanging from the ceiling.

Media reports were- it was a case of dowry abuse.
She was the eldest in the family and had 2 more sisters and a brother following.
Her father had managed a meagre sum of 60,000 as a nuptial present -much to the dissatisfactin of her in-laws.
What followed was- months of mental torture(despite the fact that-she was a part time lecturer and was earning a neat 15,ooo per month while studying)

All those myths about being financially independent...!!!!

The latest news was - three members of the family have been arrested and that the brother-in-law was absconding...

Whoever is responsible,Whatever their fate is.... with closed eyes to the way our system is run.... I assume that Justice will be done.... and soon.

But I wonder what difference does it make to the deceased?

The code

Modesty is certainly not my middle name...
I can't manage a deprecating smile everytime I am given a compliment..

What I don't understand is....why do most people feel intimidated by someone who is so sure of herself?

A recurrent dream

I see it often- specially when I feel sad .
It always comes back to me...

I dream myself standing on the roof top of a sky scraper- so hideously high that everything else appears to be scarce,unimportant.

I can almost feel my complacence...clubbed with a sense of triumph of being there..I look down to have a better veiw..standing on the edge...And then suddenly I get giddy and seem to lose balance...
I am about to fall when someone holds me....a pair of strong hands..
I turn back to see who it is and thank that person...But the dream always ends there....

Throughout the years I have tried to analyse it...what it could mean..what it has tried to convey...
A few of my closest friends have come up with interesting explainations...
I have listened to all of them sincerely...

But of recent,I have developed and nourished the belief that I am waiting for me to happen to me.

The person or idea that breaks my fall..is no one from outside..it's something within me....

Sharodiya

There's something magical about Shorot.
The Autumn Goddess is here.You don't need to be a believer to see it.
The swaying of Kaash Phool in a breeze,the heavenly scent of Shiyuli on dewed grass in the morning,the cottony clouds floating by a perfectly blue sky...
a crescent moon in the night.

Pujabarshiki Anondomela!!!
I know there are quite a few unfortunate like me who won't be able to go home his year when the deity has descended on Earth from her heavenly abode to visit her parents.
Whether we see her divine visage,hear the dulcet summons of the Shankh heralding her arrival,the jingle of the bells,gobble the sweets..or not...
Let's make a promise to ourselves to celebrate wherever we are ,whichever way we can.....and make this season truly the triumph of the Good over Evil,of Light over Darkness,Of Knowledge over Ignorance,Virtue over Vice,of Fraternity over Enmity,of Oneness over Isolation...

Joie de vivre

I have this strange superstition to wake up in the morning and look into the mirror.It is not vanity,it is a belief that if I wake up seeing myself..during the course of day I will be responsible for my own actions.

I have not been perfect..nobody can..I have erred,I have learnt.

I have been in pain...
cried without reason..laughed at my own follies
But at the end of everything I have been glad and grateful to be alive...
it is just like the protagonist of a computer game named "Captain Claw"-I used to dig as a kid.
"There's got to be a way out!!!!"

And I have always tried to look for that way.
There have been times when I found my convictions fail me...my beliefs turned to fallacy..
Disillusionment is no joy..it hurts.It hurts a lot

But then again this (almost eerie) love for life...
My desire to keep dreaming..be true to them...

When asked.."Something U can't live without"..
I reply.."My faith in me"
I wonder if I am an Idealist who lives in a world that "ought to be" and not that"is" .


But then who cares...as long as I live I am going to try to be happy
I will sit and sulk..for a while maybe ..n then I will get back to work all right
Anyways I will always have the mirror to talk to...look into the eyes and say"See-it was ur fault.If u were foolish enough to commit it...be brave enough to confront and rectify it"

AAH! Life is still beautiful..
(refer to my previous blog with the title"Life is beautiful"June 2005)
I can still smell the flowers,hear the birds sing,feel the breeze blow...smile on seeing the cute puppy wag its tail...
the colours of the butterfly still bring delight.
Newly blossomed flowers and clouds making patterns in the sky..and birds flying in a V..

Oh it's wonderful world..and I am so blessed to be a part of it!!

Later

After having argued with him for the nth time on a subject which made no sense to me... I decided to call it quits.He wouldn't understand coz he just wouldn't listen.Well,then I had nothing to say...anymore.It was over.
I was determined to go for a walk.It always makes me feel better. To divert my attention to something other than myself .

It has always been me ,isn't it? My happiness,my griefs..my idea of having a perfect world for myself...
I wonder how long it had been since I had genuinely cared for someone else..other than me...

Even my showering of affection was because it gave me happiness. I felt frustrated at having narrowed down my existence to such a minuscule level...just me..me..me
I walked with dreamy eyes..lost in thoughts when I felt someone tug at my jeans.. it was a dirty child clinging to my left leg...
oh hell..what is she(or is it a he?) doing here...
where are its parents?
Surely it is too young to beg!
I fumbled in my wallet..it had all 100s..there was no way I could help it
It wouldn't let go off me..and kept clinging...I looked around helplessly....soon some people came to my aid and released me of my plight.
I had looked away to hide my tears and after a long time I wasn't crying for myself...

It dawned upon me that I am unduely priviledged..and I don't deserve to be happy because I forget the fact-more often than not,how truly blessed I am.

There are people around the globe who are leaving their homes and possesions behind and taking refuge somewhere else to save themselves from the annihilating clutches of a cruel hurricane..some don't even get the chance.
Innocent ones are getting their heads blown in wars because a few power hungry nations wouldn't believe peace is financially beneficial. Some are crippled for life,some die before they have begun to live.
Those who survive the horrors live in a world which has no meaning .

And it is not like a stupid computer game where u can get life bonuses and health packs and magic potions in the right places

At least I have the power of choice..to live and be happy..

Ask me no more...

Ask me no more:your fate and mine are sealed

I strove against the stream and all in vain

Let the great river take me to the main

No more,at I a touch, to you I yield

Ask me no more.

I remember..as a young girl..I cried my heart out after reading a love story (Love story)by a famous author(Erich Segal) where a sweet couple is in love but the girl develops a terminal disease and it ends sadly.

In real life we do not need Divine intervention..we are enough to make a fool of ourselves...
And it is not always that the lack of love secedes two people..sometimes, it is too much of it...

I often say...If they don't love the way u want them to..it doesn't necessarily mean they don't love u...

Dunno..sometimes I feel I am the wisest fool I know...

Well, it's over now...of what use is the revelation?