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Tuesday, January 09, 2007

10 ways to lose a gal

I couldn't have written this post without inputs from one of the most eligible bachelors I know, who has successfully preserved his "single" status for years now.

1. Demean her folks. No girl can tolerate her guy constantly trying to degrade her family.

2. Talk about your past GFs as if they were all demi-goddesses. Even if she discovers later that one was a psychotic bitch, another a case of overdose of steroids, and yet another just got back from a rehabilitation center for stabbing her neighbor's cat some 29 times.

3. Try playing musical instruments you really suck at.
The cacophony in the guise of serenade will give her nightmares.

4. Wear socks that stink. Don't change them even if you have itching erythema and edema of feet. Don't brush your teeth when you kiss her. Make sure she faints once or twice (at least)

5. Tell her " You can never be like my Mom"
Never cook like her.. never be caring like her etc.
Stress on never

6. Flirt with her friends. Take particular unhealthy interest in her best friend.

7. Talk about your female colleagues at office with special reference to the size of the assets of each one as if you had a measuring tape with you.

8. Insist on having/not having sex. Always the contrary to what she wants.

9. Show attitude. Try to prove you are too good for her.

10. If nothing works, try "the unfeeling bastard" approach. If she says she is having a headache or stomach ache or something of that sort..tell her she has it 365 days a year- "So what's new?"

And she might just ask you to F#@^ off

( DISCLAIMER: To those sweethearts who got worried - this post has nothing to do with my personal life. Lol. I'll tell you when to take the post seriously)


saurabh said...

aha.. now this i can use for reference whenever i have to loose a girl. :))))
The trouble is that before i can dump a girl, she dumps me :(((

Boo Hoo...

candid diary said...

If everything else fails the eligible bachelor manages to get the gal to bed and says one or more of the following things during sex:-
• I have to poop.
• Smile for the camera.
• Get off me, I’ll do it myself.
• This is your first time… right?
• You’re almost as good as my ex!
• When is this supposed to feel good?
• I thought YOU had the keys to the handcuffs?!
• I was so horny tonight I would have taken a sheep home.
• Keep it down; my mother is a light sleeper.
• Hey! My friends were right! You ARE good!
• On second thought, let’s turn the lights off.
• I’m sobering up and you’re getting ugly!
• But everybody looks funny naked!
• Do I have to pay for this?
• No! You’re too fat to be on top. You’d kill me!
• Actually, your sister ‘likes’ it like this.
• What’s your name again?
• Hold on, let me change the channel.
• It’s nice being in bed with someone I don’t have to inflate.
• Uhhh… I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.

raven said...

that'll help!

arun said...

Ya its all ok...but my problem is, to loose a gal i should have one first right... :-p even though i dress perfect, take bath, do brush daily twice, use boss i donno why all gals maintain a minimum distance with me..."I hate gals" :-)

Aparna Kar said...

Surely u should have seen through it, I was actually suggesting ways to "How to keep a girl glued to you" or something to that effect :P. All you have to do is do the contrary of what has been asked..

1. Respect her family. Treat her folks like you would want her to treat your ones.

2.Don't talk about your past too much. Neither be too curious about hers. You guys have a future together and most importantly a present which should not be wasted in chasing ghosts.

3. Play on your strengths. Don't make a fool of yourself. Don't be conceited about your talents. Life is too short for that.

4. Even if u don't look like Robert Pattinson , it really doesn't take much to be clean. Toothpaste and a nice cologne are the best investments

5.Don't compare. Everyone has their individual strengths. Start valuing those.

6.She definitely wants you to be popular with her friends but don't overdo things so that they start thinking you are a jerk.

7. Talk about your colleagues.. but don't make allusions to spatial dimensions. We girls are not particularly fond of it... specially from her guy.

8. Don't be too keen on groping her everytime u see her.. so that she thinks it's only that you have on your mind all the time.

9. Show attitude..and you are gone. If u can have 1000 other girls. She can probably have 1001 other guys to date.

10. It's true circumstances make a hero sometimes. But trying to make an effort doesn't harm anyone. Be with her during her toughest times, and you will win her loyalty. Try and be a SOB, she'll know what to with you

Aparna Kar said...

Holy cow Candid!!
Whr did u get those !!!
Those are devastating! Nuclear bombs!
Murder! Mayhem! Total obliteration of a relation!


Make sure about gal... said...

You are wrong about sex.....girls like it and they have only lust in their mind, no love.....and wanna fulfill it anyhow....they try to show a barier and morality, nothing else....but once u have her....she will never say F#@^ off.... i dont know abt u...i am talking about a average gal ...

arnab said...

good post! btw, for #7 i wud say don't make allusions to *any* dimensions. i mean, something like "surely you are well endowed honey! but she is one smart cookie" probably will not go down very well either ;-)

that was hilarious.

anand said...

really useful!!!

Aparna Kar said...

@ make sure about girl

oye!! u r used my web link..lolz

anyways.. I dnt disagree with you but saying girls like it and they have "only" lust in their mind, no love.. is a bit of an overstatement.
It's very general... not all girls/boys have "only" sex in their minds. At a prurient age..maybe means of gratification occupies most of their thoughts, but surely there are more important things to consider which u recognize n realize as u grow up?

And anyways I was not accussing guys to be more interested in physical intimacy.. I was suggesting that an overdose of it, sans tact and delicacy could actually be a turn -off..

Praveen said...

or simply saying i dont like you [;)]
makes me think of the movie sweet november!

CosmiC said...

Hmmm....quite a list.... :P
Am enlightened!! *wink*wink*

"Darling, here i come(go???)...." LOLz

make sure about girl said... do this experiment with youself....whenever some boy touching you body to arouse you and himself...and u are pretending, at that time just give a thought that Dont I like it? For what I am so near to this guy? Will it make any sense if nobody ever able to know that i have sex with this guy?....I am sure you will realise that u never love that guy.....u just want sex with that guy and you got it.....and u can say f#@K off but againg ur lust will never let you go till then u'll not get some1 else..... I am looking wrong at this time but i am sure u'll realise...becoz no girl have feeling of love in their mind.....

Aparna Kar said...

@make sure about girl
uhh.. M not really keen on experimenting tht on myself right now..but I'll stick to my point.

If I find anything to the contrary..I'll let u know..oh I promise I'll accept my defeat...

Until then I'm not ready to generalize anything...

sirohi said...

cool stuff...comments were also enlightening as well... make sure about girl even tried to take a chance..i wish him a luck..

N. Ele said...

awesome tips!!! are these applicable to annoying female friends also?

Aparna Kar said...

@ n. ele

1. Ask her to lend money everytime she tries to talk to u

2. Make up a fictitious girlfriend you had some 300 years ago and how miss her and how she was forced to marry someone much older n richer when she was merely an 18-yr old.

Try to think of the plot of the crappiest Bollywood flick u ever watched

3. Try to get too intimate. Sometime proximity unnerves ppl.

4. Ask her details about her private time with her boyfriend in the most distatsteful way ( if she's committed)

5. if she's single,tell her you have got the most eligible guy for her to date and bring along with you a pal who's either genuinely frustrated or can convincingly act that way ( if he drools- it's even better..if he can't ask him to)

Here's a catch however-

- If it scares her..good for both of you..

-If she gets interested it's good if the guy likes her too

-If she's interested and he's not..well .it's risky business !

Nizam said...

The sure way to get rid of Chipkus,and Klingons is to tell her that her best friend is very pretty, and just keep talking about her friends. You will be left alone in no time.

works every time

Llewellyn said...


lets see if it works...

wish me luck...

Anonymous said...

It was nice to know about a girl's perspective on "How to lose a girl" but what about "How to lose a guy" ?

Matangi Mawley said...

thts hillarious... i ll suggest sme of my friends who r having troubles with getting rid of their GFs, to take a tour to u'r blog...
neway.. good one!

Aparna Kar said...

lol.. u r most welcome to do that but ask your friends not to mention the source of inspiration to their "soon-to-be-ex" gfs.. or else I'll hv a handful "gotten rid-of" females after my life...