As a kid I was afraid of being lonely in the dark. To comfort myself, I'd either sing aloud or whistle.
Was it the fear of the unknown, of being lonely without my sense of sight, or merely a survival instinct handed down by my ancestors who lurked in the darkness of caves and faced mortal perils- I'll never know. The absence of light doesn't bother me now nor does an empty house. I have evolved and so have my fears. My worst nightmares don't always witness me in a catastrophe; sometimes my close ones and specially my Dad appears to be in grave danger. Some of these ideas seem absurd in broad daylight but I wake up in the middle of the night with tears flowing down my cheeks or screaming.
The worst part is -at that time I don't have anyone to talk to about it. My own folks are in deep slumber then and people living in a different time zone are busy with their vagaries of life. You can't simply call up someone to say" Hey I had a shi**y dream.. so would care to pat my arms and wipe my tears and say 'It's OK?' " Sounds pretty stupid to me.
There might be so many out there who'd love your exquisiteness. Your beauty or grace or a certain attribute that makes them think you are special. But how many would love you even after knowing that beneath all that on the surface, you are just another "regular" person with private demons of your own. Some real. Some imaginary. Yet with a presence of their own.
Most people won't be interested to know how bad it feels to feel bad.
Love is a fallacy; I seek companionship.
When I am afraid, I might have the strength to overcome it. But I'd like to be reminded once in a while that I can whistle too.
Was it the fear of the unknown, of being lonely without my sense of sight, or merely a survival instinct handed down by my ancestors who lurked in the darkness of caves and faced mortal perils- I'll never know. The absence of light doesn't bother me now nor does an empty house. I have evolved and so have my fears. My worst nightmares don't always witness me in a catastrophe; sometimes my close ones and specially my Dad appears to be in grave danger. Some of these ideas seem absurd in broad daylight but I wake up in the middle of the night with tears flowing down my cheeks or screaming.
The worst part is -at that time I don't have anyone to talk to about it. My own folks are in deep slumber then and people living in a different time zone are busy with their vagaries of life. You can't simply call up someone to say" Hey I had a shi**y dream.. so would care to pat my arms and wipe my tears and say 'It's OK?' " Sounds pretty stupid to me.
There might be so many out there who'd love your exquisiteness. Your beauty or grace or a certain attribute that makes them think you are special. But how many would love you even after knowing that beneath all that on the surface, you are just another "regular" person with private demons of your own. Some real. Some imaginary. Yet with a presence of their own.
Most people won't be interested to know how bad it feels to feel bad.
Love is a fallacy; I seek companionship.
When I am afraid, I might have the strength to overcome it. But I'd like to be reminded once in a while that I can whistle too.
21 comments:
That brings out a very fundamental question...am I alone?.do I have to fend for myself with no help from others, my loved ones?...And the answer, as difficult as the question, is yes and no both!
Yes, because within ourselves we're essentially alone. So we seek companionship - love, if u will, when this lonliness overwhelms us. But this maybe tricky at times, especially when the person we seem to be in love with only cares for how we look and talk. But when we are truely in love, we want to be with each other despite the dark sides of the other, which proximity exposes.
In anycase, u can always revert back to whistling and singing. Afterall, its good to know that we can fall back on ourselves. But I'd suggest thinking positively and cultivating this habit - it stands u in good stead in all kinds of situations.
Now coming to the no...i dont have much to say here except for the fact that there are some people in this world who are always ready to care for u. U only need to identify them. They maybe very busy with the vagaries of their lives but would still answer ur call. These are ones who truely love u and, needless to say, we must treasure them. They values u for what ur not for what u look like. In my opnion, we must appreciate the idea and not be blinded by the appearance. Now, if im allowed to oversimplify, every human being is based on an idea or a set of idea...dont ask me who's idea!...the answers are as varied as we are!
The power of spoken words
The power of thoughts
The power of mind
They exist ...
So even dream right!
All of us want to be strong - strong enough to deal with all that life throws at us; but while we are gaining strength, we need that firm hand to pull us up or that shoulder to lean on (personally, I prefer a couch to fall on :) ); and they always turn up - sometimes as those I take for granted and sometimes in unexpected forms ...
Believe me, when the whistling stops, they notice!!!
you know what basically makes you feel alone...its not the fear of the future coz in any way future is blind, you can only predict abt it,never be certain..what leaves you alone at night are the memories, coz its a reflection of the past, of times shared together, of someone who had cheered you up when you were down, of friends who wiped your tears....of parents who stood like an angel beside you when you were a kid..
now suddenly when you are back to your past in your dreams and then suddenly the dream breaks, thats when you feel 'ALONE'...the reason is that even after you wake up, you yearn for that time which you had spent together, with maybe a relative no longer alive, with a friend no longer close, with your love with whom you have parted ways...and the moments spent sweeps down as tears..
love ...companionship...its nothing, there will be ppl who will care for you....they will be worried abt you...but then the question arises why will they pat your hand and wipe you tears...even they have their own demons in their dreams...even they feel clausterphobic when alone...do you go and pat their back when they feel the same...if its yes that then its neither love..nor companionship ...its just a symbiotic game of give and take...where everyone will try to forge a relationship with someone who can give more...
dont know...the complexities of human emotions are too complex to comprehend...what this soul knows is...the demons in the mind will be always there...the memories will always tickle down your eyes and yeah.....
whistling and singing needs know demon to be triggered..this soul loves singing ...dancing and acting insane...it'll do so irrespective of the faces which surround him..it might be of angel or a demon
take care...keep smiliN...
P.S. - dont know what made me write this insane stuff but ya wrote it :)
Sometimes I do feel that I am alone and it hurts a bit. But then one needs to understand the fundamental truth....
"Alone" is always with respect to a time scale and a length scale.
As one great scientist once said "The understanding that I am wandering alone in some insignificantly small planet in some trivial galaxy in some useless corner in the universe does not frighten me at all." I do feel the same most of the time.
Let me ask "what are we after all?" and let me straight come to the answer which is not philosophical. We are after all something made of most of the things from the 'periodic table' and then we are little bit more because sometimes and that time is too often 'the sum is bigger than the whole.'
The the things is that we are as alone as the elements of the periodic table and as together as them and so is the picture in love or companionship or togetherness. The very thing that we are selfconscious even when we are deeply involved tells us that we are not truely into is with our everything and thus we always keep some part left alone for us to ponder over.
Let me love you (never take it personally) aparna. Suppose I am 'mad' in love with you. What does it mean? What do you think would satisfy me at that point of time. Touching you? Talking with you? Having you the way I want? or Your doing things I expect even without my telling you to do that? The answer is not clear. But I would understand when I am feeling good and when I am 'almost' feeling good...I don't analytically understand fully when I am 'deeply' in love, but I do feel that it should have been like this or that.
The bottomline is even when I love you (or whoever) I keep me alone and am constantly inviting you to come there without telling you, expecting that you would be there.
You know one thing apu? Being 'alone' is virtue that completements and beautifies the 'togetherness' that we enjoy time and again. Like fear teaches you glorification of courage...like death forces upon you the preciousness of life...like darkness holds in it the potential of light...our being alone and feelings the way sometimes makes us be together.
That is god's (which to me is symbol of the unknown) punchline. Whoever he is, he has created a web of subtle contradicting feelings in us to make us feel like the great explorer exploring god's playhouse through his/her journey with life (life is not us but the dynamic collection of whatever means anything to us) back to the periodic table. It is a lot similar to what we have been doing in a computer...encoding things in '0' and '1'. Life is subtler and thus more that the simple binary contradiction.
Just want to add that....I agree with what saikat opines and that is manifestation of what told you in my comments.
as i had once written:
You are all alone...alone in this crowded hall...
You are all alone..like a picture hanging in the wall...
the people you love the most make you strong and weak at the same time...your subconcious is always thinking bout them whatever you might be doing....and negative thots always come first...human tendency..
and arent we all alone...ppl just come n go..the duration for which they r with us varies...but at the end we r alone
Being afraid of loneliness in the dark & having fear of the unknown are natural in children. If a child had some maidservant or some aunt to tell ghost stories the poor child may hold the fear all his life. When you grow up and become a reasonable person - absence of light or an empty house can not scare you anymore. You know, by then, that men are deadlier than ghosts. If you believe in God you also start realising that God is powerful but all alone.
All people live with some fear or the other. (Even the master of the one-axis world, the great Dubya, has his fears and nightmares involving Iraq - Sachchi.)
Your worst nightmares involving your close ones and specially your Dad may stem from great love for them or a sense of your insecurity. All of us are very vulnerable, at times but these feelings come and go away. Only an insane person will be sticking to his vulnerability. It’s simply excellent that once in a while you can whistle away everything and face life afresh.
hey u write great but I am confused about your previous contents..I came across the same here
http://sumit27jan.blogspot.com/
which one is orginal?
whosoever be it shd acknolowdge one anothers contribution...
keep posting
thanks a ton..
I have given my reply as a post.
i dont think u need much of a copyright... these blogs are not worth readng... let alone copying....
but your friend did it..I have removed the post mentioning his name.. dnt make things ugly again.
even you know who is right and who is wrong.
Most potent weapon is one's own mind. You can imagine something hiding beyond the reach of your eyes and slowly build up a stream of sweat, worrying about what might happen. If you know what is going to happen, it is not as scary. Sudenly I might start getting scared imagining things, I purposely look where I think danger may be hiding. Most of the time the cold sweat stops. Hope it works for you as well.
About plagiarism - don't waste your energy, it is not worth messing up your mind.
@mahant
"Most potent weapon is one's own mind"
And that is why what it creates should be protected.
I plan to continue my fight against plagiarism. It is inexcusable.
About my fears, recently I have been given a very good suggestion by someone I know.
Every time your mind begins to have negative emotions about something, try to "mutate" it into something more positive.
Like if you are missing your parents or a friend and feeling bad about it.. immediately transfer your thoughts to something like- My mom made that delicious pudding for me that day or my friend and I had a great time that evening.
Instead of making you feel hopeless or sad and leaving you emotionally drained out, it will help you recharge yourself.
The way how you transform your thoughts may vary; and what you consider"pleasant" or "positive" might be distinctly different in individuals.. but the whole idea is to get rid of those gnawing feelings that eat away into your existence.
@candid diary
"Only an insane person will be sticking to his vulnerability"
It's because insanity is nothing but the inability to accept reality as it is. Confronting our fears is a painful experience and most people who suffer from neurosis try to find a substitute for legitimate suffering.
For example, A rape victim might think (1) she is a princess who was kidnapped by bandits and looted, or
(2) an earthling who was abducted by aliens to propagate their species.
The options might diverge from reality depending on the intensity of the desire to get away from it.
A 24-year old man stabbed a minor (16 yr old) to death on Valentine's day because she refused to accept the flowers he had bought for her. He admitted to have no idea about the origin or meaning of the occasion except watching on TV that you are supposed to buy gifts.
He imagined her to like/love him, which proved fatal for the girl.
In chronic mental illness we stop growing.. we get obsessed.
Most people I know would run to a doctor if they simply sneezed but would feel discomfort if suggested psychological counseling.
The first step towards recovery is to acknowledge the presence of the disease, to admit that you are ill.
I agree with your idea of starting afresh but most of us are so comfortable being miserable that we are scared to be happy.
I have been reading your posts. They are varied and laced with an impeccable sense of humor. People like you can never fall ill coz u can create happiness for yourself and for others .
But there are some sorry souls who think laughing is a crime or smiling is simply heinous. They will tell you tales of their suffering and find glory in it.
I shun such company. God help them or at least send an avatar in the form of Patch Adams or in milder doses- Candid Diary :)
P.S
1. To those who ask me if I can whistle songs.
NO.
My Mom freaked out when she caught my Dad teaching me how to whistle and my education has remained incomplete ever since. Maybe I need to be an autodidact now
2. I knew a girl in hostel who could do the whole "Dil to Pagal Hai" thingie. I loved it when I could hear it on the stairs. Wish I could do that!
Hey Aparna!
Ur blog is just too lovely!
Can I have the honour of adding ur blog link on mine!!
I have also gone thru somewhat similar thoughts in my article:
http://pilot-pooja.blogspot.com/2006/12/do-you-have-what-i-have.html
and yah plz send me a link of ur Latest Book at poojagupta9@gmail.com
Good Luck!
@Aparna, In the conflict there are three things.
1) Plagiarism - no question, it is bad, stupid.
2) The guy who did it -The site is gone, why anyone would do it and maintain self respect is difficult to understand.
3) The original writer -why should you punish yourself. Trying hand at a bit of humour, consider a situation 10 years in future. You and someone you love are looking at each other in the eyes, and you say, "I Love You" and the hapless creature short of quick words repeats the sentence. Is the first instinct to rush out and sing and dance around a tree or say "plag..."
@mahant
That's a good shot at humor @#3 but dancing around trees is not my idea of having romance.
And in 10 years time I'd probably still be fighting for the same cause.
Repeating those magical words doesn't amount to plagiarism. It's just a way reciprocating the feelings.
Imagine the person I love not saying "I love you" when I tell him so.
He should wear a helmet to ensure safety or else I am gonna break his head!!
@aparna,
http://headrush.typepad.com/creating_passionate_users/2007/01/whod_you_make_s.html
I had read somewhere that the plan should be to make a friend smile. So while dozing I had worked on the words to the comment - dancing around the tree would bring a smile, I also had "or whatever" as an extension as well. Also, instead of "I LOve You", I had a real elaborate statement, which the haple... I doubt I can come up with a good one, I am sure you could.
Anyways, if you are smiling like crazy chance that fighting spirit is completely intact is low.
Anyways, I got a response in less than two hours.
Pl. read my blog and comment mahantshetti.blogspot.com Pl also visit http://www.orkut.com/Profile.aspx?uid=6049803181005219250
and let me know which link you like.
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