ভোরের প্রশ্ন - নতুন লেখা

The Darkness within Me

I do not love you except because I love you by Pablo Neruda

I once was...

My morning thoughts on the tests of friendship

Gham-e-ishq

Gham-e-ishq tera sukriya 🙏🏻

Tere firaq (separation) mein 

Main kaha kaha se guzar gayi

Andhi aayi, toofan aaya

Main bekhauf (fearless) si nikal gayi.

Log kehne lage hai khabti (possesed/obsessed)-

Mere hikaayat (story) mein 

Shaamil tu to nahi.

Magar kaafi hai 

Mere akele ki muhabbat.

Mera jahaan tere maujudgi se

Mukammal na sahi..

(An attempt to write in Urdu )

Book review: Big Lies in a Small Town by Diane Chamberlain

Big Lies in a Small Town by Diane Chamberlain
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

‘You have to make peace with your past to move into your future.’ Amazing storytelling by the author. This is a book about second chances. About making something out of your life after you have been a victim of circumstances or of a particularly evil person. Both Morgan and Anna find redemption in following their passion and not letting one single incident defining their whole life. This is a story of hope.

View all my reviews

About me

Nature has helped me heal in ways that I didn’t imagine I could. Growing plants from seeds in my vegetable patch has been one of the most satisfying experiences of my life. It was a way of reconnecting with nature after having lived in concrete jungles for years.

Those who know me know well that I cannot do anything without putting my whole heart into it. Most times, taking it to borderline obsession. In many phases of life, I was fortunate to find something that comforted me- whether it was a person, a hobby or the words of an accomplished writer. Things that are going to stay with me forever. Things that the world can’t take from me. And that is the essence of who I am. 

Book review: The Glass Forest by Cynthia Swanson

The Glass Forest by Cynthia Swanson
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Exceptional! I enjoyed the book more than I had expected to. Manipulation and lies can make us victims, but not when we can read people the right way. It takes a lot of heartbreaks to bring ourselves to only use people for our advantage. It is sad. It is when you have stopped believing in love. It is when you know that the only thing that matters most is our own survival. The Glass Forest is told from the perspective of three women with three different destinies. You know that all three have been wronged in different ways. You know that all three have not received the justice the way they deserved. But sometimes, freedom is more valuable than avenging yourself of all the wrongs you have faced.

View all my reviews

Book review: Malice (Detective Kaga, #1) by Keigo Higashino

Malice by Keigo Higashino
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

It is a short book that you can finish in a day. At the very onset, you know that something is not right but you can not quite place your fingers on it. Humans are capable of great cruelty, especially towards those whom they feel inferior to. And the kindness from the object of your malice kills you from inside even more. This is my first book from the author and am surprised by the layers of lies you have to peel through to get to the heart of the truth. Interesting observations in human psychology, and a cursory nod to one of the greatest evils happening in schools- bullying. Makes you think twice after you have finished reading it. A must-read for people looking for different flavors of thrillers. No gore, no gratifying violence. Just a pure, wholesome thriller.

View all my reviews

A deity

Doppelgänger

You rise from my ashes
Someone like me
I seem to know you from long ago

Your hands are clenched into tight fists
Like you are raring for a fight with the whole world

But your heart, unlike mine,
Is not made of glass
That breaks easily
With harsh words
And betrayals

You rise from my ashes.
Invincible.
You contain the fire only you can.
The kind that ignites in you
After you have died a thousand deaths.

RIP Adrian

This is a Romanian Easter egg, a gift from our late friend Adrian Albert. On June 15, he passed away in a hit-and-run while biking in Sonoma. I was heartbroken and cried, asking Sangram, ‘Why do good people have to die so early? It is so unfair!’

Adrian was a brilliant guy with a PhD from Stanford, a post-doc from MIT and was working as a machine learning research scientist at Lawrence Berkeley National Lab when he met Sangram.

He was one of the nicest guys we had ever known. He had great regard for Sangram and was warm and respectful towards me. Adrian was intrigued by Sangram’s scientific publications and work at NASA and had approached him to become the CTO of his startup, Terrafuse. Sangram had to refuse the offer because he had agreed to be the CTO of Rhombus officially by then.

Nevertheless, we considered him one of the good guys with whom we would have stayed in touch. We had made plans to go camping together. I was looking forward to it after the lockdown was over.

RIP Adrian. 💔
Do the good work in Heaven, our friend. I will try and transform my life to give respect to the philosophy and drive you had. All distractions must go.

Lessons from my father

So many lessons I have imbibed from him over the years. Just a few-
1. Speak the truth, no matter the cost;
2. Take bullshit from no one. Protest when you are unfairly treated;
3. Fight for what is rightly yours. Even if it takes twelve years;
4. Always respect the competence of a person, not his stature in life.
    Those may involve other unseen factors;
5. Do not treat love as entitlement. Invest in your relationships;
6. Be generous in your gifts. Give what you would like to have;
7. Love your job;
8. Have creative pursuits. No matter how busy you get;
9. Do not always judge profit and loss. Neki kar, dariya mein daal; and
10. (This I am trying hard to learn again .)
Do not give two figs about other people’s negative opinion. Be yourself.

To be honest, a huge part of my personality has been molded by these lessons and more. I am also very privileged because he invested in our education while he could have saved that money and enjoyed more luxuries in life earlier. When I feel low or defeated, I remember the debt I owe to my parents and then I am able to find my true north again.

Only gratitude for you. Forever. Happy Father's Day!

বিরহিনী

Another Bengali poem written by me.
Hope you enjoy it :)

A poem for the ones we failed

Tripti Bay Area Rabindra Jayanti 2020 Celebration

Last weekend, the residents of Bay Area who originally hail from Tripura, and are now together in a group called Tripti (তৃপ্তি), organized a program to celebrate the birthday of Gurudeb Rabindranath Tagore. I had the honor of hosting it and contributing in my small way. Enjoy the performances if you can understand Bengali.

Betrayal

Last night, I dreamed of your betrayal again.
You smiled and kissed me
As you plunged a knife down my neck.
I saw myself die in your arms.
You laid my limp, bloody body on the dust,
Then kicked it to make sure I was done for good.
My tears woke me;
Brought me back
To a bleaker reality.

Why did you pretend to love me
When all you had in your heart was hatred?
How did you cover its putrid stench?
All the perfumes from Grasse
Could not have camouflaged it.
Maybe it was my love that blinded me.
When everyone asked me to be careful,
I threw my caution to the wind.
And embraced you anyway.

Now, I write poems about betrayal.
A sad, pathetic, needy, wannabe poet.
But no amount of self-loathing
Could have woken me up to this ugly truth-
We are all alone in our struggles,
There is no reason to think otherwise.
So, thank you my friend!
Your absence is a gift
I will treasure forever.

অভিসার

An exercise in vulnerability

Share your vulnerability. No games.

We feel so misunderstood so many times that we feel scared to share even a bit of ourselves with the world. Why don’t you write something on a piece of paper or in your diary and share it with me? In return, I will send something I have written. Could be a past entry.

No judgements. No comments. No editing grammar. Just two people being real with each other.

Send me a picture of your writing (this has to be handwritten) on messenger, WhatsApp or to thevariegatedsky@gmail.com. Looking forward to reading your entries. Thanks for playing along 😊

Pagla Saheber Kobor by Shirshendu Mukhopadhyay

শীর্ষেন্দু মুখপাধ্যায়ের লেখা পাগলা সাহেবের কবর বইটি আমার কেন ভালো লেগেছিলো তার একটু আলোচনা 

শুভ নববর্ষ ১৪২৭

My father in law asked me to write something in Bengali and send it to him on the occasion of Bengali New Year

শুভ নববর্ষ
----------
আজ ভোরটা কত সুন্দর
মসীবর্ণ রাতের শেষে
আশার উদয় I

সবার মনে একই প্রার্থনা-
সবাই যেন সুস্থ থাকে
ভালো থাকে I

জগতের এমন মঙ্গল কামনা
মন থেকে শেষবার
কবে করেছিলাম আমরা?

বয়স যাই হক
আজ সত্যি আমাদের
জীবনের প্রথম নববর্ষ I

( Loosely translated:

What a beautiful dawn!
At the end of a coal-black night,
Hope rises again.

A prayer in every heart-
'Keep everyone safe
And healthy.'

When was the last time
We wished the world
So much good
With all our heart?

No matter our age
This is the first
(Bengali)New Year
For all of us.)

দেবী- হুমায়ূন আহমেদ/ Devi by Humayun Ahmed

"যখন মানুষের খুব প্রিয় কেউ তাকে অপছন্দ, অবহেলা কিংবা ঘৃণা করে তখন প্রথম প্রথম মানুষ খুব কষ্ট পায় এবং চায় যে সব ঠিক হয়ে যাক । কিছুদিন পর সে সেই প্রিয় ব্যক্তিকে ছাড়া থাকতে শিখে যায়। আর অনেকদিন পরে সে আগের চেয়েও অনেকবেশী খুশি থাকে যখন সে বুঝতে পারে যে কারো ভালবাসায় জীবনে অনেক কিছুই আসে যায় কিন্তু কারো অবহেলায় সত্যিই কিছু আসে যায় না।”

My first open mic on Zoom

Thanks McTate Stroman II for the invite to the Museum of the African Diaspora (MoAD) open mic, hosted by poet Nia McAllister.

I read 'A Kaleidoscope of Emotions' from my latest book.

And here are some of the reactions from the attendees:

The Golden Fortress by Satyajit Ray

Reading The Golden Fortress by Satyajit Ray in Bengali
সোনার কেল্লা - প্রথম অধ্যায়

Please, do not cheat. Test the inner detective in you and answer the following questions after you have heard the video only once:

1. What was the first Hindi song playing in the neighbor’s house?

2. What is the name of the past client that referred Feluda to his current client?

3. What is the name of the bookstore of his current client?

4. What is the address of the client?

5. Who was kidnapped mistaken for Mukul? How old is Mukul?

6. Which three places in Rajasthan were mentioned by Topsey?

7. Which astronomer stated that the planets move around the sun in an elliptical path?

8. Which two cases were missed by Topsey after the Gangtok case?

মায়া

সবে ডাক্তারি পাশ করে রায়পুরে সরকারি হাসপাতালে বদলি হয়ে এসেছি ।

গ্রামে তখন লর্ড সিনহাদের জমিদারি । ট্রেনে করে যখন প্রথম রায়পুর পৌছালাম, তখন সূর্যদেব কুয়াশার আড়ালে মুখ ঢেকে রেখেছে । কিছু ভোরের পাখি ছাড়া আর চারিদিকে কোন শব্দ নেই । স্টেশনেই জলখাবার সেরে রওনা হলাম হাসপাতালের উদ্দেশ্যে । ইচ্ছে ছিল জয়েন করে, হাসপাতালে দিনটা কাটিয়ে এরপর গিয়ে সরকারি আবাসে মাল সমেত একেবারে উঠব ।

দপ্তরী কাজ মিটিয়ে যখন কিছু রোগী দেখা হয়ে গেছে তখন জমিদারবাড়ির এক পেয়াদা এসে
খবর দিল যে আমার সান্ধ্যভোজনের আয়োজন আজ জমিদারবাড়িতে হয়েছে । আর জমিদার বাবু হুকুম করেছেন যেন আমাকে সঙ্গে করে নিয়ে যাওয়া হয় । যখনকার কথা বলছি তখন টেলিফোনের ওত চল ছিল না কিন্তু মানুষের আতিথেয়তা ছিল অতুলনীয় । কাজেই, নবাগত আগন্তুককে নিমন্ত্রণ করে খাওয়ানো খুব একটা অসাধারণ কিছু ছিল না । সারাদিন পরিশ্রম করে আমার খিদেটাও বেশ চাড়া দিয়ে উঠেছিল তাই আমি বিনা বাক্য ব্যায়ে জমিদারের আজ্ঞাবাহীর সঙ্গে জমিদারবাড়ি উপলক্ষে রওনা দিলাম ।

রাস্তায় যা দৃশ্য দেখলাম তাতে মন প্রাণ জুড়িয়ে গেল । লক্ষী সরোবরে তখন শীতকালের কিছু পরিযায়ী
পাখি জটলা পাকিয়ে মেলা হইচই করছে । যেন পাখিদের অর্কেস্ট্রা প্র্যাকটিস ।স্ফটিকের মতো স্পষ্ট
জলে তখন সূর্য অস্তের নৈসর্গিক মুহূর্ত প্রতিবিম্বিত হচ্ছিল । সেটা দেখে আমার সারা দিনের ক্লান্তি কোথায় বাষ্প হয়ে উড়ে গেল ।

Love Poem #1

The red crowned cranes of Hokkaido
Know the meaning of love.
They mate for life
And dance and cry in courtship displays
That strengthen their bond.
They want the whole world to know
They are happy.
Together.

I know what it feels to want love
When I focus on the shadows
Dancing on my ceiling
As you fill me up with a bit of you
And whisper,’ I love you’ into my ears.

I believe you for a moment.
But I also know the reality-
There will be another naked girl
Lying beneath you some day.
And you will say the same magical words
In the same mundane way.

When lovemaking becomes a chore
We stop pretending too.
You hide us inside the confines of my bedroom
When you are done convincing yourself
That you have given me enough,
You leave.

The sheets smell of you
Even hours after you are gone.
I weep in the shower
For the love I don’t see in your eyes

We are habits.
You and I.
We stopped being lovers a long time ago.

Maybe we were born into the wrong species.
Maybe we will be reincarnated as the cranes
And dance by the lake, in the snow.
And we will say,’I love you’ in crane language.
And we will believe it
Till death do us apart.

Self care in the times of social distancing

Self care is not just an occasional indulgence or a spa day on your birthday. While physical comfort is a luxury we all need to give ourselves, we have to take care of our emotional well being as well.

Are we allowing ourselves to be in an environment that nourishes our soul? Communicate with people who understand the unsaid? Or are we constantly struggling to prove our worth and good intentions to those who refuse to see the good in us, for reasons best known to them?

Maybe this imposed social distancing is an opportunity for all of us to analyze our priorities. We are surviving in the most atomic state of existence right now- with our immediate family or friends. I have also come to realize how little we need to be happy. Anything that causes unnecessary emotional turbulence may have some associated benefits, most likely a chance to give the affection you have in your heart that remains untapped. But maybe your eagerness to please, to make everything perfect for people you care about goes unnoticed. Maybe the chasm between your expectations and reality gnaws at your heart, eroding all the hope for real bliss.

Maybe this is a time to say aloud that I can be happy on my own. Like a child who will invent games to stay occupied. Maybe this isolation is necessary for creativity to flourish. Even mandatory for those who want to express themselves through arts- a painting, a poem, or even a dance routine.

Self care starts with loving yourself. Placing your mental health and emotional needs before the need for validation from others.

Stay healthy. ❤️
Both physically and mentally.

World Poetry Day Festival Flyer

I will be reading in both English and in Bengali at the 3rd Annual Poetry Day Festival on March 21, 2020 at Kaleid Gallery in San Jose.  Early bird tickets are $10. Don't miss out the evening of tasting different culture and languages.

Get Tickets here
I will be reading from my new book A Kaleidoscope of Emotions

Schedule
4-7PM Workshop
7-10 Performances
10-11 Open Mic

*Poetry in 10 different languages
*Appetizers from other countries

We have the following poets for the event

Cory Massaroo - Host
Sandra E. Quiroz
Tongo Eisen-Martin - English
Anshu S Johri - Hindi
Aparna Ganguly - Bengali
Forced2fly - American Sign Language
Francisco Icala Tiriquiz - Maya
Umbelina Martinezina Martinez - Spanish
Larry Hollist - Japanese
Elizabeth Jiménez Montelongo - Nahuatl
Jing Jing Yang - Chinese
Juliane Tran - Vietnamese

Hungry for Words

When I was a kid,
I used to learn words from a dictionary.
Five each day.

I trailed my tiny fingers through the black ink,
Relishing the consonant and vowels
As my tongue rolled around those invisible delicacies.

In love with a distinct sound so much
That I would say it over and over again.
Until I felt it was a part of me.
And I could conjure it when I was in trouble.
Like a good friend who always shows up
Even if you had a fight.

Sometimes, I would read to my dog.
He slept through most of it.

I will not lie
even though I could
If I tried really hard.
But
the biggest love of my life
Is this language I’m speaking in.

It calms the storms in my heart.
Connects me to people
who have their own stories to tell.
And I listen with every inch of my body.
Just like the voracious child I once was-
Hungry for words.

Looking for new ways to string sentences together.
Paragraphs that make me forget to exhale for a moment.
The depths of someone’s love, grief, or rage.
Fascinated by someone’s mind.
Thinking -‘Wish I could write like that!’
A certain kingship stronger than blood.
A love more enduring than any other love.

I wear red

Wrote this poem today to read at the Word Poetry Day Festival on March 21, 2020 at KALEID gallery (320 S. 1st St., San Jose, California 95113)

I wear red
--------------

In rebellion,
Against all the injustice in the world
Against the hatred that divides us
Based on caste, creed, gender or orientation

In reverence,
To the vermillion my mother puts on her forehead
As a mark of a married Hindu woman
While she prays for the long and healthy life of her husband
Every day.

For the passion,
That keeps us awake at night
While we make sweet, sweet love
And the rest of the world turns into a blur.

To represent my red-hot angst,
Born of the betrayals of my friends
Who thought I was expendable
Because my truth was too inconvenient for their lies.

For the blood that runs in me
The life force that keeps me going
Keeps me unafraid through the darkness of the night.

For the setting sun,
That reminds me of my own mortality
And urges me to make my dreams come true
Before I run out of time.

আমি লাল পরি 
-------------------

বিদ্রোহে,
জগতের সমস্ত অবিচারের বিরুদ্ধে
সমস্ত ঘৃণার বিরুদ্ধে
যা মানুষকে মানুষ থেকে আলাদা করে
জাত, ধর্ম বিশ্বাস, এবং লিঙ্গের পার্থক্যের জন্য II

নিষ্ঠাতে ,
আমার মার মাথার সিঁদুর এর জন্য
যা একজন হিন্দু নারীর সতীত্বের চিহ্ন
যিনি রোজ তার স্বামীর দীর্ঘায়ু কামনা করেন II

সেই কামনার জন্য
যা আমাদের রাতে জাগিয়ে রাখে
যখন আমরা আলিঙ্গনে বাকি দুনিয়াটাকে অদৃশ্য করে দিই II

সেই লাল উদ্বেগের জন্য,
যার জন্ম হয়েছে আমারই বন্ধুদের বিশ্বাসঘাতকতায় -
যারা ভেবেছিল আমি পরিহার্য
কেননা আমার সত্য ওদের মিথ্যার জন্য অসুবিধাজনক II

আমার সেই রক্তের জন্য
যা আমার শরীরে বইছে
প্রতিটি কোষে জীবন শক্তি পৌঁছে দিচ্ছে
আর আমাকে নির্ভীক রাখছে এই অন্ধকার রাতে II

আমি লাল পরি
সেই অস্তগামী সূর্যের জন্য
যে বারে বারে আমাকে নিজের নশ্বরতা মনে করিয়ে দেয়
আর আমাকে প্রেরণা যোগায় আমার স্বপ্নগুলোকে বাস্তবায়িত করার জন্য
আমার সময় ফুরিয়ে যাওয়ার আগে II