Musings...

I wish I could weave together the words that could most aptly say what you mean to me.
But I am so inept.Never before have I been so brutally confronted with this paucity of mine..
But then to lament...I can't..
Coz you mean..so much more than words can ever say...

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I stab my heart ..I make it bleed
The pain is all I need
To go on

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My paper,pen,inspiration,
I owe u these and more..

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I grope for words in the darkness
And weave a dream
To wake up again to ur silence
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The cutest things...

I hope I never grow too old or too tired to appreciate an infant's toothless grin..

I am crazy about kids and some of my fondest memories are associated with them..

I remember on my birthday last year when I was in Pizza Hut,Sector 18 ,Noida with my friends..
I was dancing on a chair ( abiding by the traditions of Pizza Hut)
a little boy tugged at my jeans when I had undergone the torture..
when I got down-he kissed me on my cheeks and gave me a red rose..
That was probably one of the best birthday gifts I ever had... :)

And another time ..at Mc Donald's ,Sector 15..I had gone for a quick grub after class with a friend..
a little girl dressed in a yellow frilly frock came with her mother..with her hair tied in two ponies..in yellow ribbons.. falling in soft curls..somehow she reminded of me when I was a kid..

She looked so adorable..I couldn't resist her..I asked her mother if I could touch her
Sitting next to her.. as gently as I could ran my fingers on her soft cheeks..
She did the same!!
With her little hands ..
That felt like Heaven!

Another cute kid I saw in a sweet shop..hardly able to walk by herself..she ambled ...out of the shop..to explore the world on her own
Thank God I was looking ..coz her parents lost track where she was ..busy purchasing something..I showed them the way she went..
They thanked me..but I wanted to thank them for having begotted such an angel..
When outside ...I found her showing her Dad..another kid abt her age..or maybe older
She pointed at him and said
Babby!
I just wanted to take her home with me..well..I did ..clicked a pic of hers..N I still have it..

But the best one was probably the time when I was in a party n had just finished singing a song..
Barely 3 years old..he clapped...
The best applause I ever had..

Being "me"

It's like waking up to a new dawn after a beautiful dream..No regrets.No complaints.
Just a feel good feeling after it's over...& the golden rays of sun kissing your eyes-reluctant to wake up..

I knew it was too good to last too long...
I always knew I 'm too independent to be in a relation...& I loved him to much to be myself...

If you are being rational and being in love-you are not in love at all...

I could have become amorphous in his hands & let him mould me..
I could have been somebody else..

But never before have I felt a stronger urge to be "me"

What life holds ahead-I do not know.
Somewhere while treading on untreaded path -somehow while trying to invent my destiny I might come across him again-waiting for me..

But until then I can't afford the luxury of romance-this is my relation-& I'm not going to disgrace it by being a nobody.

I'll wait...till I"ve become "ME"

15,Park Avenue

Those who haven't watched it yet..please do..(and u can read this post before that at ur own risk)
But don't catch the flick in a hall..coz it was embarrassing for me..
I started weeping in the middle of the movie and my Bro and friends had a tough time trying to quieten me..

The story revolves primarily around a schizophrenia patient(Konkona Sen Sharma) and her relation with her elder half sister(Shabana Azmi)
The first thing to note is the title of the movie...

Needless to say, it is a metaphor for search...
and incidentally- an address such as this doesn't exist in Kolkata...there is Park Street and Palm Avenue...but no Park Avenue..(which we all know is in New York)

Konkona(Meethi) believes her husband and 5 kids live there and she tries to find it...
Reality is light years away from it..
she is unmarried ..let alone 5 kids...


There's a time when Rahul Bose (Koko's ex bf in the movie) tells his present wife(Shefali Shah)

"Poor Child! She is trying to find something which doesn't even exist"

And she replies laconically "Are we not all?"

That is what touched me the most..

Reality is only a perception..it is nothing absolute..
What is true for us..might not be true for somebody else....

So what gives us the right to challenge the reality a schizophrenic believes to be his/her own world ?

We might be wrong as well.....

Scary..isn't it?

The House on the Hills

She asked him once..casually,in one of her frolicksome moods.."What is it that reminds you of me?"
He mumbled something about there being hardly anything that doesn't ..
But later...he told her..
"There's a house on the hills here.Everytime I enter my room I see it and I don't know why..it reminds me of you.."

She listened dumbstruck.."It just isn't true!!"
or he knows how to read minds..
It is so eerie!!!

The previous day, she had read one of the lesser known works by one of her fav authors titled "The House of Dreams"

It was about a man who dreamt of a house -so calm and serene and apparently deserted....but the day he first saw his lady love..he saw life stir in it...
The end is tragic-the girls dies of a genetic disorder which had effected her mental faculties and the man expires in Africa in the quest of the house..with fever and delirium where he keeps saying that he has found it finally..

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But this is real life!!
And she decides "I am going to give him and me a chance to be "us" "
And ever since..she has been trying...

A stranger in the Mirror

The puppy lay on the street..wounded..probably dead..but I had no time to bother about stupid puppies..this is absurdly serious..
CAT results are out and I can't find my registration number..
Tension is piling every second and I can feel my nervousness trying to dissipate through my trembling fingers..

Suddenly I remembered when I was getting late for probably the most important date of my life..
I heard yelping and discovered one from the litter had managed to drop inside a culvert..I had to decide..let it wait until someone else finds it..which might not happen at all coz of the blaring traffic...or take the efforts myself..

With leather and jeans and my favourite T ,I set down to work. (much to the amusement of construction workers on the opposite side of the road)
Removing the heavy cover to reach the canine in the conduit..still yelping..I soothed it with soft whispers...

The mother arrived in a while , Grr-ing at me only to realise it is me..her daily catering service.

I left the scene with the bitch licking her ward clean...
a clear conscience.. and dirty clothes

But things are different today..
I had invested some months of my life to take this test..n when results arrive..I can't reach it..

No matter how the score card looks like...or which institute I get through ,through CAT or otherwise..
I will know I will never be the same again...

Coz a part of me has died with the puppy today...